


Serenade

by sevanderslice



Series: Serenade [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2013-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-22 04:52:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/606016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevanderslice/pseuds/sevanderslice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short, sequential scenes from the extraordinary lives of Commander Sarah Shepard and Lieutenant/Major Kaidan Alenko, focusing on their love, through good times, bad times, and song.  Spans all three games and beyond.  Originally a "five times Kaidan sang to Shepard and one time he didn't" fic, that kinda got away from me.  (fShenko) - Note: this is an updated, edited version of the same story posted on fanfiction.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Opera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Time he sang to her.
> 
> Opera - A drama where the words are sung instead of spoken.

_“Hands, touching hands…”_ Joker belted out the lyrics, horribly off key, while making melodramatic hand motions from his seat on an old crate pallet.  _“….reaching out, touching me….touching you!_

 _“Sweet Caroline,”_ Commander Sarah Shepard threw her head back and let out a resounding guffaw as the rest of the crew joined in for the chorus.  _“Ba, ba, ba…good times never seemed so good!”_  

A glance around the mess hall was all the proof Shepard needed to pronounce this particular event a success.  Too long out in the Terminus Systems without any shore leave whatsoever had started taking its toll.  Over the past two weeks she’d had to break up three fights and punish six crew members for minor insubordination.   The shuttle bay floor had never looked so clean and they were running out of toothbrushes. 

Joker finished his song, took a shallow bow amidst a resounding round of applause, and hobbled over to the Commander.  “I think someone might just deserve a commendation for thinking up this excellent idea,” he said, gingerly lowering himself into the chair next to her.  “Don’t you think?”

“I completely agree, Joker,” she replied, watching his eyes light up with delight.  “Do you think since I’m a Commander in the Alliance Navy, _and_ a Council Spector, I can give myself two commendations; one from each organization?”

“Aww, that’s just not fair Commander,” Joker’s lips turned down in a tiny pout.  “You know I thought of it first.”

“You,” she pointed at his chest, “made a flippant comment about having the crew ‘sing out’ their disagreements.  I am the one who came up with the idea of a karaoke party and then planned this little shindig.’  She gestured towards the room full of happy crewmen.  “I am also the one who made attendance mandatory, when no one signed up.”

Joker let out a huff of mirth. “Alright, I’ll give you that,” he agreed, “but who just serenaded the entire ship with the best damn rendition of ‘Sweet Caroline,’ ever sung?”

Shepard matched his grin. “I’ll put a note in your file.  Now hush up, I want to hear Pressly sing.”  The older gentleman was just climbing up onto the makeshift stage.     “Ash,” she addressed the dark haired woman on her right, “what is our distinguished navigator going to perform for us today?”

The Gunnery Chief, turned karaoke assistant, looked down at the datapad she was holding.  “Um,” she said, skeptically raising an eyebrow, “’Girls just wanna have fun’?” 

 The commander’s eyebrows rose in confusion for a second, before she turned an accusatory glare towards her pilot.  “Joker!” she scolded, “how in the world, did you get a hold of my list?” 

“Don’t look at me.” He was the picture of feigned innocence. “I think Pressly just wanted to explore his feminine side.”

Ash let out a huff and jumped to her feet. “I’ll fix it, Commander,” she mumbled resignedly, before marching off to save their navigator from public humiliation.  A moment later, a surprisingly on key performance of The Beatles’ “When I’m sixty-four” could be heard throughout the crew deck.  Chief Williams was just settling back into her seat when the elevator doors hissed open. 

Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko strode into the room on long legs.  The slight smile he wore softened his masculine features.  Shepard had to avert her gaze for a second to hide the inordinate pleasure she felt at his arrival.  Her affection for him had grown over the past month or so, starting with simple mutual respect, and then bolstered by common interests, similar duty schedules, and a shared tendency to crave a cup of tea before bed.  It was getting to the point where she found herself in a better mood, simply because he happened to be in the same room.  That was dangerous territory to wade in, most especially because he was her subordinate. 

 _He’s just a friend_ , she told herself, as Kaidan settled in at their table, angling his body so he could see both the performance and his companions.    _He’s_ _just a really nice man...er, soldier, under my command_. _It’s_ _nothing more and nothing less; even if he does has beautiful brown eyes, and a sexy voice, and this adorably awkward way of flirting..._   

“Have I missed all the fun?”  Kaidan asked casually, yanking Shepard out of her inappropriate thoughts.

Joker frowned at him. “And where have you been, Alenko, while we’ve been participating in all this mandatory awesomeness?”

“Cool your jets, Joker,” Shepard snapped at him. “I had him doing a shift in engineering.  At least a few people have to be on duty, even when there’s a party going on.”

“Well, it sucks to be you then, Kaidan.” Joker announced.  “You’ve missed everything, including Ash’s inspiring performance of ‘Love is a Battlefield.’  She won’t tell me if she was singing from experience, although I have my suspicions.”

 “Permission to hit our pilot, Commander?” The Chief parried, lips turned down in an agitated scowl.

Shepard shook her head. “Regrettably, denied.  All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put that fragile egg back together again. Chakwas would kill me and then she’d come after you. ”

Ashley crossed her arms and leaned back against her chair with a sigh. “Damn.”

Kaidan leaned in to speak, his fingertips nearly touching his Commander’s on the table.  Shepard felt her heart rate increase at his proximity, her skin faintly tingling as her biotics reacted to his. The easy flirting between them had heated up a bit over the past few days, their nightly chats starting to skirt the line between what was friendly and what was completely inappropriate.

“Did I miss your song?” he asked, the gravel in his voice heating up the room.

A tiny, inelegant snort escaped Shepard’s mouth before she could rein it in.  “I’m pulling rank on this one.  No one wants to hear me sing.” 

Joker perked up at this. “I’m pretty certain that’s not true, Commander, “he disagreed.  “I, for one, would pay good money to see _that_ show.”

“Tell you what, Flight Lieutenant,” Shepard addressed her pilot.  “Make sure you’re listening in the next time we encounter some Geth.    I’ll belt out a tune so lovely, they’ll lay down their arms and surrender just to make the noise stop.  How’s that sound?”

Joker’s grin was full of teeth, “Perfectly acceptable, Ma’am.”

Ashley leaned back into their table, apparently over her little snit.  “What about you LT?” She asked Kaidan.  “Scuttlebutt says you’ve got a voice that could make angels cry.”

Shepard was delighted to see a burst of pink color the Lieutenant’s cheeks.  “I’m not sure where you heard that Chief,” he answered, “but I’m sure I’m not as impressive as all that.”

“You been holding out on me, Kaidan?” The Commander flashed him a wide grin, prompting Kaidan’s blush to deepen adorably.   “You got a set of golden pipes under that uniform?”

“That’s what _she_ said,” Joker quipped, and Shepard poked him hard in the fleshy part of his side.  “Ow! Watch the ribs,” he cried, rubbing the offended area.

Kaidan stared at the table for a moment, obviously a little embarrassed,  before slowly raising his gaze to look his Commander in the eye.   “I may,” he told her, his voice rough and breathy, and settling low in her belly, “have been told a time or two that I can passably carry a tune.”

Ashley inspected her datapad with the list of participants.  “Pressly’s the last one and he’s just about finished,” she announced.  “All you have to do is pick a song.”

“I don’t know,” Kaidan fidgeted a little.  He looked for all the world to be searching frantically for an exit.  “I just got here.  Isn’t there someone else who’d like to go?  Have the alien members of our crew had a chance?  Maybe they’ve never experienced Karaoke before.”

Shepard shook her head.  “Wrex refused, on the grounds that this is an inexcusable waste of time.  Liara looked like she was going to burst into tears when I even suggested she do anything in front of a crowd.  Tali sang a lovely, if somewhat creative, rendition of ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow,’ and Joker managed to con Garrus into performing ‘Baby Got Back,’ much to the delight of most of the crew.”

Kaidan stared wide eyed at his Commander for half a second, before a rush of laughter exploded from his lips.  He had a cough a few times into his hand to regain some composure. “You’re kidding? “he managed to ask, just as Pressly was climbing down off the crate pallet. 

“I almost wish I was,” she quipped back at him with a smirk.

 “If Pressly’s the last one,” Kaidan answered, “I’m sure everyone is ready to go about their business elsewhere.  I’ll do something next time.”   He made to get up, but Shepard clasped his hand, halting his retreat.  His skin was warm against hers, electric with the soft buzz of their combined biotics and all the things Shepard wished she didn’t feel.    

“Please,” she insisted, pleading with her eyes.  “Do it for me?”

Kaidan visibly swallowed. “Alright,” he whispered, clearing his throat and pulling his hand from her grip, “for you.”  . 

Outwardly, she was as calm and collected as usual, but Shepard’s inner teenage girl squealed with glee as her lieutenant approached the makeshift stage.  She gave him a reassuring smile as he punched a command into the console she and Ashley had set up earlier.  A moment later, an upbeat, jazzy tune filled the crew deck.

Almost the instant Kaidan opened his mouth to sing, everyone else’s jaw dropped too.  Shepard very nearly stopped breathing.

“ _I've got you under my skin_ ,” he crooned in an unbelievably gorgeous baritone. “ _I’ve got you deep in the heart of me_.” 

 “Holy God!” Joker was almost speechless.

Ashley glanced incredulously at her Commander. “It’s like Sinatra himself is back from the dead!”

Shepard was fairly certain a few of the engineering crew in the first row were ready to swoon.  Hell, _she_ was ready to swoon.  Kaidan’s voice was sexy as hell while he was speaking.  While singing, it was liable to cause spontaneous orgasms.  She was very nearly there herself.

“Shit, Commander,” Ashley leaned over and let her voice get low enough not to be overheard.  “I knew you guys had a little bit of a thing for each other, but I didn’t know it went this deep.  Whew!”  She fanned her fingers in front of her flushed face.  “I’m almost jealous now.”

Shepard feigned ignorance. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Please,” Ashley rolled her eyes.  “He’s doing a good job of not staring at you the _whole_ time he’s singing, but it’s close.  And just listen to the lyrics, Commander.  Why do you think he chose this song?”

Shepard sat quietly for a moment, letting herself hear the Lieutenant’s seductive baritone.

 _“I tried so not to give in_  
And I said to myself this affair never will go so well  
But why should I try to resist, when baby I know so well  
That I've got you under my skin.”

“It’s just a song.”  Shepard insisted, keeping her voice as neutral as possible.  “It doesn’t mean anything.”

Ash snorted. “Who are you trying to convince?”  She gestured towards the man still crooning out the sweet love song.  Kaidan turned to look directly at his Commander before beginning the next verse.  The tension was palpable. 

 _“I would sacrifice anything come what might_  
for the sake of having you near  
in spite of a warning voice  
That comes in the night and repeats,  
how it yells in my ear.”

Shepard felt her heart flutter as a mix of dread, arousal, and foolish hope swirled into her gut.  “I’m in trouble, aren’t I, Ash?”

The young woman laid a comforting hand on her commander’s shoulder and sighed, “So, so deep.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joker sings “Sweet Caroline,” as sung by Neil Diamond. My inspiration for the scene where the entire crew sings along with the chorus comes from personal experience. My husband is a volunteer fire fighter and that is exactly what happens whenever someone sings or plays this song. I have no idea why.
> 
> Kaidan sings “I’ve Got You Under My Skin,” by Frank Sinatra. I always figured Kaidan would sound a lot like him, and they both have that old world romantic feel to them. So, I thought it fit. I hope you agree.
> 
> All the other songs mentioned were chosen for very specific reasons, some of them more meaningful than others.


	2. Amoroso

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Second Time
> 
> Amoroso - A musical term instructing the musician to play “with love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter is NSFW

His skin was smooth, damp with sweat, and unbelievably warm.  Shepard couldn’t get enough of touching him.  Every point where they connected faintly hummed with the most delicious energy, as if his biotics and hers were somehow meant to combine this way.  If she’d had one wish at that moment, it would have been to cocoon them both in the cheap, white linen hotel sheets and never let either of them emerge.  Kaidan moaned, burying his face more deeply into the pillow, as she brushed her palms up his flanks.   Her fingertips caressed him slowly, memorizing every freckle and scar on the otherwise perfect skin of his back.   She traced strong lines of ridged muscle, stroked over the hills and valleys of his ribs.   Salt exploded on her tongue as she trailed a line of hot kisses up his spine.

“Mmmmm…..” he hummed in sleepy appreciation, as Shepard’s lips reached the top of his shoulder.  She gently nipped the skin there with her teeth and his beautiful brown eyes shot open. 

“Good morning, sleepy head, “she crooned against his skin.  “Did you have good dreams?”

Kaidan sighed as he rolled from his front to face her.  “Incredible ones,” he said with a lazy smile, before reaching up to smooth a lock of short ginger hair behind her ear.  “Seeing you next to me, like this…it makes it hard to believe I’m not dreaming still.  Maybe you should pinch me.  Or, on second thought,” he pretended to consider, “don’t pinch me. If this isn’t real, I don’t want to wake up yet.”

Shepard couldn’t help it; her entire body tingled with joy at his silly, romantic words.  She grinned widely, just knowing this response was clearly written all over her face, but not bothering to care.   For some unfathomable reason, she didn’t want to hide it from him anyway.  

“Come here,” he urged, gently pulling her into his arms and rolling her beneath him.   His palms caressed her cheeks, fingertips smoothing her hair back to get a better view of her features.  She wrapped her legs around his narrow hips, hissing when the proof of his arousal ground into her wet heat.  “What have you done to me?”  He rasped.   “We saved the whole damn citadel, destroyed an ancient killing machine, and are rewarded with a measly two days of shore leave before we get shipped out again.  And instead of calling my parents, or catching up on sleep, or even requisitioning some better equipment, I snuck into a hotel with my commanding officer and have barely left her bed for nearly forty hours.   And still,” he said, grinding his pelvis against hers for emphasis, “all I want to do is bury myself inside you, again and again.” 

Arching her back and using his own weight against him, Shepard managed to reverse their positions, straddling his hips and digging her knees into the mattress for leverage.  Kaidan sat up, placing his chest flush against hers, and palmed her cheeks again.

“You are so damn beautiful,” he breathed, before crushing his lips to hers in an ardent kiss.  

Shepard’s hands couldn’t be in enough places at once.  She clutched his shoulders, ran her fingers up to caress his neck, scratched her nails up through his glorious dark curls. She felt desperate and wanton and, for the first time, just as beautiful as Kaidan claimed her to be.  He made her feel a plethora of confusing contradictions. In his arms she felt both strong enough to take on anything, and safer than she’d ever been. 

His lips traveled over the tendons in her neck, leaving hot, open mouthed kisses on his way down.  Shepard gasped as he took one of her pert nipples between his lips and lightly suckled it.  She moaned, almost completely undone, when he captured its twin and rolled the little nub between his finger and thumb.   She felt the cool sheets at her back as he gently laid her down against the bed.  His hot mouth continued to travel southward.

“I want to taste you everywhere,” he claimed, proving it as he flicked his tongue into her navel.   “I want to make you scream.  I want you to forget that anyone else has ever made you feel even half as good as this.”

She opened her mouth, wanted to tell him that no one had ever even come close, but the only sound that came out was a sharp moan as his lips found her core.   “More,” she gasped, as he licked a long line up her slit.   He obliged, wrapping his lips around the tiny bud at her center and sucked, hard. 

She fisted handfuls of the linen sheets, crying out as she bucked against his mouth.   “More!” she demanded again, managing to get the word out through clenched teeth.  He chuckled lightly before plunging two long fingers into her tight sheath.  

Shepard screamed, her biotics flaring bright blue for half a second, as her climax hit her like a freight train.  It stole her breath, brought tears to her eyes, and left her shaking all over.   She panted heavily as Kaidan massaged her clit a few more times with his tongue, letting the aftershocks ripple through her body.

“Shit,” she breathed, before erupting into decidedly girlish giggles.  “Oh my God, Kaidan!”   

The smirk that split his face was all smug, triumphant male.  “Like that?” he practically beamed.

“Come here, you” she commanded playfully, holding her arms out for him to fill.  

Kaidan crawled up her body, wiping the corner of the sheet across his mouth, before kissing her full on the lips.  Shepard moaned, still able to taste herself on him, despite his attempt to rub it away.   She felt the velvety tip of his erection teasing her entrance and reached down to wrap her fingers around it.

“Umf,” he grunted, as she firmly stroked his length.  He leaned his forehead into hers, his breath heavy and panting against her face with each glide of her fingers.  “Please,” he pleaded.   She twisted her hand a little. “Oh God, Baby, I need to be inside you right now.”

She arched up and they moaned in unison as he finally slid home.  After a day and half of frequent lovemaking, and the powerful orgasm Kaidan had just given her, Shepard was deliciously sensitive inside.  Each stroke was just on the good edge of pain; sharp and sweet and rippling through her core in one long wave of cyclical pleasure. 

She palmed the globes of his ass in each hand, pulling him into her even deeper than before, and feeling his muscles clench with each thrust.  Overwhelmed, she bit into the flesh of his shoulder, muffling her cries against his skin.   His pace quickened; his rhythm becoming erratic.  He wasn’t going to last long this time, but Shepard didn’t care.  She wanted… _no,_ she corrected herself; she _needed_ him to lose control.

Rolling them over at the last minute, Shepard managed to keep him inside her as she took charge.  He clasped her hips tightly in his hands, bending his knees and grinding up into her as she rode him from above.  It only took a few more deep thrusts for Kaidan to finally let go.  He threw his head back with a guttural cry, and Shepard felt his whole body shudder as he emptied himself inside her. 

Suddenly overcome with intense exhaustion, Shepard collapsed onto Kaidan’s chest in a sweaty heap of sated nerves and limp muscle.  He rolled her onto the mattress and tucked her into his side, pillowing her cheek in the hollow of his shoulder. 

“I think,” He panted, “that I’m finally done, at least for a good while.”  He kissed the top of her head, letting out a satisfied chuckle into her hair. 

She smirked up at him, calling his bluff.  “Not that I’m complaining, mind you, but that’s what you said about fifteen hours ago, before joining me in the shower to ‘save water.’  I’m pretty sure you said it again, when we were going to go out for some food, but didn’t make it past the elevator; and then again, after we got room service and you decided to use me as your dinner plate.”

Kaidan laughed in earnest now, jostling Shepard around in his mirth.  “And whose fault do you suppose that is, Commander, hmm?”

“Oh,” she exclaimed, straddling his hips once again to stare down at him.  “So I’m ‘ _Commander’_ again, am I?” 

“Absolutely,” he teased.  “And as my commanding officer, it is your duty to take full responsibility for all actions I make on your behalf.”

“Is that so, _Lieutenant?”_ He just smirked at her.“I don’t seem to remember ever actually ordering you to do any of those things.” 

“I respectfully disagree, ma’am; unless of course it was someone else crying out,” his voice raised an octave, “more, Kaidan, more!”

Heat rushed into her cheeks at his words and she retaliated by smacking a pillow against the side of his head. 

“Oh!” he exclaimed, throwing her fluffy weapon to the floor. “So, I’m to be punished for insubordination now, am I?” She squealed as he tackled her back down to the bed beneath him. 

“Admit I am not to blame for your recent sex addiction,” she commanded, still laughing as he nuzzled his face against her neck.

“I would,” Kaidan countered, “but my mother taught me not to lie, and you are most definitely to blame.”

Her face split into a wide, triumphant grin.  “Enlighten me.”

“Everything about you demands my attention,” he claimed, “your bravery, your intelligence, your sense of humor.” He pinched her side, just to hear her giggle.  “Your sexy laugh, your gorgeous smile,” he kissed her lips, “your perfect breasts…”

Shepard rolled her eyes. “They’re small,” she complained.

“Hey!” Kaidan pulled a wounded expression.  “Don’t you go insulting two of my most favorite things in the galaxy.”  He cupped each of the soft mounds in his hands. “Not too big,” he assessed, feeling their weight, “and not too small.  Like I said, perfect.”

“Well, thanks.” Shepard bit her bottom lip as pink heat spread across her cheeks.

“I can never seem to get my fill,” he told her, “and it is entirely your fault.  Every time I look at you, hell,” he corrected, “every time I even think of you, I’m ready to find a corner somewhere to pleasure you until you’re screaming my name.”  

Shepard frowned, suddenly thrown out of their perfect moment.  “It’s going to be so much harder to do that in…” she glanced at the terminal across the room, “…about seven hours.  I don’t know how I’m going to go back to pretending you’re just another officer under my command.”

Kaidan sighed, before wrapping his arms around her and once again tucking her into his side. “Part of me doesn’t give a damn about the regs anymore,” he told her.  “I wish I could claim you in front of the entire crew; just take you in my arms and kiss you on the command deck for everyone to see.”

“Well,” she huffed, “ _that_ would certainly give them something to talk about.”

He buried his face against her neck and chuckled, his whole body shaking in sudden amusement. 

“What?”  She tapped him on the shoulder, trying to bring his attention back to her.  “What’s so funny?”

He pulled away from her neck, wiping tears from his eyes as he attempted to rein in his mirth.  “It’s just a memory that struck me as funny, that’s all.” he told her, moving to settle onto his back.  “My mom used to sing this old song while she did the housework sometimes, and I never realized what it was about until I grew up and finally listened to the entire thing. I was just thinking the lyrics fit our situation almost perfectly.”

Shepard followed his movement, rolling to face him and placing her palm against his chest.  “Will you sing it for me,” she asked, playing with the light dusting of hair on his skin, “please?”

He captured her hand in his, bringing it to his mouth to kiss each fingertip.  “Are you sure?”

A little thrill shot through her at the possibility of once again hearing Kaidan’s extraordinarily sexy baritone. “Definitely,” she assured him.

 _“Let’s give them something to talk about, babe,”_ he sang out, a bit of unexpected country twang coloring his remarkable voice.   “ _A little mystery to figure out…”_

Shepard erupted into giggles as he mimicked the guitar riff with his mouth. 

 _“Let's give them something to talk about, how about l….”_ Kaidan stopped, mid note, a wave of startled panic moving across his features.”

Reaching out to touch his face, Shepard felt dark stubble scrape her palm as she gently forced him to meet her gaze.  The sincerity she saw in his burnt caramel colored eyes made her heart swell at least five sizes. “Love?” she asked him, her voice barely more than a whisper.

Kaidan’s whole body relaxed instantly.  A pleasant, relieved smile stretched across his mouth.   “ _Love_ ,” he agreed, singing out the final lyrics against her lips, “ _Love, love, love…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Kaidan sing’s “Something to Talk About,” by Bonnie Raitt.


	3. Part 3: Lamentoso

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Third Time he sang to her.
> 
> lamentoso - musical term meaning lamenting or mournfully

Shepard took another swig of jack, straight from the bottle, and hiccuped a tiny sob.  “Bastard,” she moaned, “Stupid, son of a bitch!”  She stumbled around her ridiculously spacious cabin for a moment, before slumping heavily into the office chair.  It rolled with her momentum, slamming her into the edge of her desk.  A few drops of whiskey sloshed out of the bottle, staining Shepard’s standard issued Cerberus uniform.  “Now see what you’ve gone and made me do?”  She yelled to the empty room. “Why couldn’t you just…  I just wanted…”  But what had Shepard wanted?  She wasn’t so sure.

Well, she thought, taking another swig and grimacing as the eighty proof alcohol burned its way down her throat.  She certainly knew what she didn’t want.  She didn’t want to wake up in an enemy laboratory, covered in unfamiliar scars and surrounded by unfamiliar people.  She didn’t want to traipse across the galaxy, saving the universe, again, from people who refused to believe they needed saving… _again_.   And most of all, she didn’t want the man she loved to accuse her of faking her own death, just so she could turn traitor against the Alliance. 

The Jack bottle made a satisfying smash against the metal stairs.  Amber liquid and shards of glass splattered everywhere.   “Damn you!” she screeched, tears starting to blur her already impaired vision.  The Alliance was her family, and for a few brief, but beautiful months, Kaidan had been her home.   How dare he accuse her of betraying either of them?

Shepard let out another broken sob and leaned over the desk, fingers stabbing through her messy, ginger hair.  She knew what she wanted now.  She wanted to wake up from this nightmare.  She wanted Kaidan to take her into his arms, like he had a few hours ago, before figuring out she was working with Cerberus.  She wanted him to tell her he still loved her, that everything was going to be alright. 

She glanced over to the framed photo on the other side of her desk.  Kaidan’s handsome face smiled back at her, mocking her pain.  “Why?” she asked the picture, brokenly.  “Why didn’t you trust me?  I know it’s crazy, but I promise I’m me and I’m really back.  I didn’t fake it,” she cried. “I really did die.

“Oh God,” she moaned, as the reality of her situation sunk home for the first time.  “I _died_.”  Shepard had well and truly been dead for two years.  What the hell did that mean; on a cosmic level, on a physical one?  Questions like that were well above her pay grade. 

Feeling particularly morbid and more than a little drunk, she opened the extranet on her personal terminal and typed ‘Commander Shepard funeral’ into the search box.  Half a second later she was shocked to see over1,500,000,000 results pop up on the screen.

“Damn, “she huffed, opening the first vid.  “Save a few council members, and suddenly you’re a celebrity.” 

The scene opened on what looked like large, open arena, in a part of the Citadel that hadn’t been hit too hard by Sovereign’s attack.  There were flowers of every color and flags of every nationality.  The multi-species audience was so large it trailed past the visual range of the camera filming the event.  One entire side of the hall was packed with attendees almost exclusively dressed in formal Alliance Navy blues.   It was a ridiculously elaborate event for a simple soldier, with no blood relatives to speak of. 

The camera focused in on the stage and Shepard could see most of the Council members, plus Admiral Hackett, behind the podium.  They were sitting awkwardly in folding chairs, shifting around and purposely not looking at one another.  The view panned to the first row of guests.  Shepard was both saddened and pleased to see some of her crew from the first Normandy were in attendance.  Liara was sobbing messily into a bright green handkerchief, while Tali, her expression as unreadable as usual, patiently patted her  back in what seemed like a comforting gesture.  Joker was slumped next to them, pale as death, silent as the grave, and completely void of his usual vitality. 

Before Shepard could identify anyone else, the band began to play and the view switched to a different camera feed.  A coffin, empty of course, and covered in a System’s Alliance flag on one end and a large Council Spectre emblem on the other, was being carried down the long aisle by four pall bearers.  Her throat tightened considerably when the picture zoomed in on their faces. 

Captain David Anderson supported the front left corner of the symbolic casket. His shoulders were square and firm; his face a blank, expressionless mask.   To the captain’s right, was the man foremost on Shepard’s mind.  Kaidan wasn’t quite doing as good a job as Anderson at hiding his emotions.  The Leutenant looked like he was barely holding it together: red rimmed eyes; tense, pulsing jaw. 

“Way to keep it a secret, Alenko,” she croaked, feeling a few more hot tears drip off her chin. 

Shifting her eyes from the pain she could see in his, Shepard examined the two males behind him.  Garrus Vakarian and Urdnot Wrex were somberly holding up the rear of her casket, both dressed more formerly than she’d ever seen them.  Shepard snorted inelegantly when she realized that Wrex probably could have carried the whole damn box down the aisle by himself, especially without her body actually in it. 

She listened to the first few minutes of the first few speeches, skipping through most of the political word vomit the council members insisted on spouting.  She teared up some more when Anderson said some pretty nice things about her, and laughed along with the crowd when he told _that_ story about her stint in basic training.  An adorable troop of Asari children danced around her casket, throwing flowers while chanting a blessing for the dead.   A retired Turian Spectre, one she’d never had the occasion to actually meet, read a poem about valor and sacrifice. 

And then, just when she thought the ceremony was finally wrapping up, Anderson called Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko to the stage. 

“No,” she cried, knowing with utmost certainty what he’d been called to do. There was only one time-honored Navy funeral tradition that had yet to be performed.  She held her breath as he approached the podium and stared out into the crowd.  Dread burned in her chest, churned in her stomach.  It just wasn’t fair. 

Unable to make herself turn off the vid, Shepard listened, heartsick, as Kaidan’s beautiful baritone belted out the first few verses of the official Navy hymn, “Eternal Father, Strong to Save.”  The traditional lyrics, asking God for protection for those ‘in peril on the sea,’ fell from his lips in practiced confidence. It wasn’t until he reached the last verse, the one adopted by the Navy’s space and exploration program, that anyone could guess anything was wrong.  His strong voice never wavered.  His ridged stance never slouched a fraction of an inch.  But twin trails of glistening tears slowly made their way down his cheeks, as he sang the final few lines.  

_“Eternal Father, King of birth,_

_Who didst create the heaven and Earth,_

_And bid the planets and the sun_

_Their own appointed orbits run;_

_O’ hear us when we seek thy grace_

_For those who soar through outer space.”_

Kaidan finished his solo and remained at attention, still silently crying as a lone bugle started playing a mournful rendition of Taps.His hand came up in a perfect, rigid salute as the empty coffin was rolled back down the aisle.  

Shepard wondered if it was as obvious to everyone else, that this was more than just a soldier mourning his commanding officer.  He looked fragile, right on the edge of breaking into a million pieces.  Suddenly, all her fury burned up and floated away like so much ash.  Great, heaving sobs built up inside her chest and Shepard had to bite her fist to keep them somewhat contained.   How could she stay angry with him when presented with irrefutable proof of his grief?  How could she blame him for distrusting her return, when her death had hurt him so very much?     

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, reaching up to trace his familiar features with her fingertips.  “I miss you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan sings the Navy Hymn of both the British and United States Navy and marines, “Eternal Father, Strong to Save.” It is sung at many different official events, including State funerals (like the one for former President Ronald Regan) and has been features on many television series and movies, including James Cameron’s “Titanic.” The song was originally written 1860, and over time verses have been added to include the different divisions and special operations in the military. The verse featured in this story was written 1961, specifically for astronauts.


	4. Appassionato

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Appassionato: a musical term meaning to play “passionately.”
> 
> Note: this chapter is NSFW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Appassionato: a musical term meaning to play “passionately.”
> 
> Note: this chapter is NSFW

They didn’t touch as they made their way back to the ship from that little café in the presidium.  He didn’t put his arm around her shoulders as he would have liked, or held her hand as any lover should.  They kept a respectable, professional distance from each other, but that didn’t stop Kaidan from being hyper aware of her presence.  

During their entire stroll back to the Normandy’s airlock, Kaidan’s skin prickled more acutely from their close proximity than it ever had from his biotics.  He’d missed her so much, down to his very core.  However, despite everything - their time apart, his pigheaded mistrust, the bloody reapers, and this godforsaken war - they were together now. Against all odds, she still wanted him.  It was enough to make Kaidan feel like singing and dancing his way down the corridors of the SR2 like a damn fool.

Instead, he paused politely to let his commander enter her ship first.  She glanced up at him, her bright green gaze full of playful promise, before continuing into the decon chamber.  He followed after her almost blindly, the lust in her eyes and the faint smell of her shampoo pulling him along like a pet on a leash. 

They skirted past the empty cockpit and swiftly made their way through the CIC, managing to avoid eye contact with the tiny duty crew unlucky enough to not be granted shore leave.  Shepard paused at the elevator and turned to face him.  For half a heartbeat Kaidan feared the worst, that she’d bid him “goodnight” and he’d be forced to leave her at the proverbial doorstep.  Once inside however, she rolled her eyes at him impishly, before bidding him to follow with a slight tilt of her head. 

The second the doors hissed shut, Kaidan felt Shepard’s lightly calloused palm slide gently across his own.  He sighed as their fingers intertwined; finally, _blessedly_ giving him some small fraction of the physical contact he craved from her.  It wasn’t nearly enough, but just as he was moving to take her completely into his arms, to lean her into the solid metal wall and pleasure her until she cried out his name, the elevator stopped with a tiny jerk and the doors slid open.

A slight tug on his hand pulled Kaidan across the tiny landing to the entrance of Shepard’s cabin.  It only took a moment for her to input the pass code, but it was long enough for Kaidan’s blood to sizzle in his veins until it was nearly a rolling boil.  Emboldened by need and desperate to feel her skin on his, he slid his hands under the cotton of her hoodie to grasp her hips.   

The exposed flesh of her waist, just above the top seam of her fatigues, was hot and smooth and so damn feminine it made his knees go weak.  Giving into temptation, he leaned forward, sliding his palms around to her flat belly and letting her feel the full length of his body against hers.  She let out a tiny gasp, her hand smacking the door release with a little too much force, when he pressed his growing erection against the curve of her ass.   She pulled him inside by the collar of his shirt, tugging his head down to hers the instant they were past the threshold. 

He groaned at her touch and sank into the kiss.  He wanted more of her, all of her, right now in this very instant.  He felt like a man left wandering in the arctic for too long, freezing cold and hopelessly lost, until she came back to him.  Everywhere Shepard touched thawed by degrees and burst into flames.   

“God, I missed you.” he moaned into her open mouth as she blindly led him through the dim room towards some unknown destination. He didn’t care where she was taking him as long as it involved more of this, more of _her_.   A short, unexpected flight of stairs at his back made him stumble a bit, and she giggled heartily, clutching his shoulders and preventing his fall. 

With her still on a step above him, they were eye to eye.  Kaidan hotly met her emerald gaze and leaned in for another kiss.  His hands instantly buried themselves in her hair, releasing the knot at the base of her neck and gently pulling out pins.  They pinged against the metal stairs as her hair came tumbling down in a waterfall of light ginger waves.  It was so much longer than he ever remembered it being, having grown out during her confinement in Vancouver.  It was soft and feminine and Kaidan felt a little thrill go through him that this was a side of her rarely seen by those outside this room. 

She tugged at the hem of his shirt and he obliged her, stripping it from his shoulders in a single motion and tossing it aside.  Her long fingers skimmed up the skin of his belly, tracing around the lines defining his abs and dipping into his navel.  Kaidan let out unmanly yelp at the tickling sensation she caused and retaliated immediately.  She was no lightweight, between her impressive strength and extensive synthetic upgrades, but Kaidan was still able to easily pull her up into his arms and tumble her to the bed beneath him.

They both helped strip off her hoodie, before Kaidan got distracted by the band of exposed skin he’d noticed earlier, just above the top hem of her pants.  Sliding down on the bed, he gently nipped and kissed her belly, making her buck and writhe a bit as he got his revenge by tickling her navel with his tongue.  He let his palms slide up underneath her t-shirt, feeling ridges of muscle and ribs, before reaching the underwire of her bra.  A quick and breathy, “thank God,” escaped his lips when he discovered it had a front clasp. 

Shepard moaned and gasped when he released her breasts from their confinement and wrapped his lips around one distended nipple.  Her blunt fingernails scraped across his scalp and down his back as he lavished attention on first one and then the other in turn, before trailing a line of kisses up the length of her neck. 

Eventually her hands came to rest on the curve of his ass, squeezing and pulling him firmly up into the apex of her thighs.  Unable to stop himself, he ground his painfully hard erection against her, feeling the intense heat of her sex even through layers of clothing. 

That heat beckoned and one of Kaidan’s hands stopped pleasuring her breasts long enough to slide down under the front clasp of her fatigues.   God, she was _wet_ and Kaidan had to squeeze his eyes shut and take an even breath before he came all over the inside of his pants just from touching her. For a second he focused on the soft skin of her shoulder and neck, placing hot kisses on the path of brown freckles there.  A second later though, she bucked up into his fingers, obviously impatient that he’d stopped in his tracks. 

“More,” she panted into his ear and Kaidan was nothing if not obedient.  He found the little nub at the center of her folds with little trouble and gently rubbed circles into it with his thumb.  He did this for a few moments, waiting until she was nearly incoherent with need, before sliding one long finger into her depths.  

Crying out, Shepard threw her head back and thrust against his hand.  Kaidan was so focused on her reaction he didn’t notice his pants being unbuckled until long fingers wrapped around his length and squeezed.  He groaned loudly into her neck at the intense, unexpected pleasure, his vision blurring for a second as her hand began to stroke up and down.  He bit her shoulder when her thumb skimmed over the head, determined not to reach the end before her. 

The added stimulation pushed Shepard right over the edge.  Her entire body tensed, her lower muscles gripping his finger as her sharp cry filled the room.  She bucked against his hand a few more times, before almost frantically pushing him away.

 Kaidan helped her when she struggled with the laces on her knee high boots.  He tossed them aside haphazardly as she kicked off her fatigues and threw her t-shirt somewhere.  Then, wrapping her legs around Kaidan’s narrow hips, she reversed their positions, practically slamming him onto his back against the mattress.

She sheathed him inside her in one graceful motion, arching her back and biting her bottom lip as he slid home.  Kaidan could barely breathe against the onslaught of sensation.   He clasped her hips in his hands and met her thrust for thrust.  Ignoring the instinct to squeeze his eyes shut, he watched as she rode him, completely mesmerized by the sight.  She was so beautiful;  with her flushed skin, sleek muscles, and all that gorgeous ginger hair cascading over her shoulders.  She looked like a warrior goddess who’d deemed to honor him with the gift of her body.  He wanted to worship her with his, for as long as she’d let him.

Pleasure built low in his belly, coiling so tightly it was nearly pain.  He lost their rhythm and forgot to breathe, only filling his lungs back up when they started to burn.  Shepard moaned low in her throat and leaned back against bent knees, her inner muscles squeezing him like a vice as she climaxed for the second time.   He pumped into her twice more and was lost,  pouring himself inside her with a long low groan.   

A heartbeat later, Shepard went limp, collapsing onto his chest in a sweaty tangle of limbs and long, damp hair.  Kaidan held her close and scraped the ginger strands off her cheeks and away from her eyes.  Joy, pure and unfettered, bubbled up inside him, threatening to spill over.  He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this content, this _whole_.

Shepard chuckled against his skin, her mouth stretching into a contented smile.  “I missed you too,” she murmured, lifting up to give him a quick kiss on the lips.  He reached for again, but she was already gone, rolling to the side and scooting herself off the mattress.   

“Sorry, I’m thirsty,” she explained, striding over to where he’d tossed his shirt.  She slid her arms through the holes, but didn’t bother buttoning it.  Kaidan smirked, pleased in some primal way to see her wearing his clothes.  She hit a control panel on the wall before facing him again.  The lights came on in a blinding rush. “Do you want some water?” 

Having just had quite the workout, Kaidan would have answered in the affirmative, but as his eyes adjusted to the bright light,  he finally got a good look at their surroundings.  His jaw dropped in awe. 

“What is it?” She asked, pausing at the bottom of the stairs.  “You okay?”

“Shepard,” he gasped, only managing to say her name before completely losing his voice to a bout of hearty chuckles.  He gestured to the cavernous room around them, “Oh my God!”

She smirked, folding her arms and leaning back against a long wall of illuminated glass.  “Impressed?” 

“You could say that,” he agreed, still in shock.  “That fish tank is something else.  Where in the world did you find jellyfish?”

“They’re hanar,” she told him, not missing a beat.  “Had a bit of a fling with Blasto last year when they reinstated my Spectre status.  He was just as irresistible as they say, but we both knew it was never going to work long term.  Still,” she added, sighing exaggeratedly, “He does call once a month to talk to the kids.”   She turned to tap on the glass.  “Doesn’t he, babies?”

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Cute, Shepard.”

She shrugged her shoulders, her smile positively radiant. “I think so.”  

“Seriously though,” he continued, pushing up from the bed and pulling his pants back up around his hips.  “I’ve never seen anything like this.  True, I’ve spent my fair share of time bunking in sleeper pods, but this is even worlds away from your cabin on the SR1.”  He ran a hand across the rich fabric on the sofa and shook his head in wonder. “The alliance could have cut this into four separate officers quarters if they’d wanted to.” 

“I’m glad they didn’t,” she murmured, calling his attention back to her face.  The heat in her voice was reminiscent of the passion they just shared.     

“Me too,” he agreed, returning to her side.  The privacy this opulent room afforded them was priceless, especially now with the galaxy gone to hell.  “It’s too beautiful to divide.”

Shepard moved in close to his chest and slid her arms around his shoulders.  “Well,” she sighed, playing with the short curls at the nape of his neck.  “At least Cerberus got _something_ right.”

Kaidan grew pensive at her words.  He palmed her cheek, running his thumb over the flawless freckled skin and refusing to miss the scar that used to be there.  “It’s not the only thing they got right.”  He told her, finally believing it with his whole heart. 

Emerald eyes grew a bit too bright and she blinked them frantically for a second.  “You haven’t seen the best part yet,” she promised, her voice just a touch unsteady. 

“Oh really?” he asked, following her back towards the entrance and up the short staircase.  A door to their left opened with a soft whoosh.  “You’re kidding?” Kaidan threw his head back and laughed anew.  “You have your own private head?” 

“And shower,” Shepard pointed out, gesturing towards the corner.  “Everyone loves the shower.” 

Kaidan frowned.  “Everyone?”

“Easy there, Major,” she laughed.  “No one’s ever joined me in here before.”

He grinned, immensely relieved.  “Not even Blasto?”

“Nope,” she played along, “Hanar prefer baths.” 

“Is that so?” he teased, moving in close enough to feel her breath across his chin. 

She nodded and stroked a hand down the length of his arm.  “Would you like to be the first?” 

Kaidan leaned into her touch. “First?” he asked breathlessly, “is there a line forming behind me?” 

“There might be,” she quipped, flashing him a mischievous smile.  “You planning on letting anyone move up into your spot?” 

He looked deep into her eyes and tried to convey everything he couldn’t quite put into words.  “Never,” he practically growled.

“Promise?” she breathed.

Kaidan slid his hands around her waist through the opening of his shirt and held her close.   “I’m not leaving until you send me away.” he vowed, only to flinch a little when the carelessness of his words finally registered.  Eyes closing against a vision of smoke, flame, and an order from her lips that broke his heart, Kaidan’s face stretched into a bittersweet smile.  “Maybe not even then,” he amended.

 “Don’t think about that,” she told him, obviously guessing where his mind had gone.  Her thumb came up to smooth his frown away. “None of it matters anymore.  Nothing is as important as right here, right now.”

Kaidan nodded silently, still a little overwhelmed with unspoken emotion.  Shepard backed further into the bathroom and reached behind her to turn on a surprisingly strong stream of hot water.  She smiled sweetly, beckoning him to join her as the small room filled with steam.

He paused briefly to remove the remainder of his clothes,  folding his pants neatly before setting them and his boots outside the little room.  Seconds later he was in her arms again as the soothing water rushed over them, washing away his dark thoughts.

They lingered in the shower as long possible, sharing open mouthed kisses and drinking the water from each other’s bodies as it ran down their skin.  Kaidan washed Shepard’s hair almost reverently, massaging her scalp and untangling the strands with his fingertips.  When the water finally grew cold, he quickly dried himself off, before wrapping her in a fresh towel and gathering her up into his arms.

The air outside the bathroom was cool, and Kaidan’s skin pebbled as he carried her, bridal style,  back towards the bed.  Shepard laughed playfully as he made his way down the short flight of stairs and dropped her onto the mattress.  She bounced a bit, before flinging the damp towel aside and scrambling to get under the covers.  Kaidan joined her in an instant, gathering her close to his side and pillowing her head on his chest. 

“This is nice,” she decided, drawing invisible circles across his skin with her fingertips.  “I could get used to it.” 

Kaidan placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. “I guess I don’t have to ask if you want me to leave then?  There isn’t a sleeper pod with my name on it?”

Shepard chuckled lightly. “No, stay.” she breathed, squeezing him close as her eyelids fluttered closed.  “Stay forever.” 


	5. Outtake 2: Dissonance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dissonance – a musical term meaning, “Harsh, discordant, and lack of harmony. Also a chord that sounds incomplete until it resolves itself on a harmonious chord.”
> 
> Takes place immediate after “Priority Thessia” in Mass Effect 3.

Shepard disappeared nearly the minute they were back on the ship; noisily leaving a trail of discarded weapons and half used heat sinks in her wake.  Cortez stumbled and nearly fell to the cold shuttle bay floor as the side of the Commander’s favorite pistol impacted with his chest.  He gaped after her, listening to the echo of her heavy footsteps as she continued her frenzied march to get away.  Kaidan tried to follow, stowing his armor in the lockers as quickly as possible before sprinting after her, but she’d already slipped past the elevator doors, disappearing from view. 

“Hey man,” a gentle hand landed on the Major’s shoulder and he turned to meet James Vega’s concerned gaze.  The larger man gestured towards the devastation in the cavernous room, to the closed elevator doors, to the startled expression still frozen across Lieutenant Cortez’s usually friendly face.  “What happened?”

The question prompted Liara, who’d hardly moved an inch since returning to the Normandy, to slide down the side of the shuttle in a boneless heap.  Kaidan’s heart squeezed painfully in his chest.  He scrubbed a palm across his tired face and managed to tear his eyes away from the asari silently weeping into her knees.  He met James’s gaze again and hoped the Lieutenant couldn’t hear the agony is his voice.

 “We lost.”

*   *   *

The loft was eerily quiet when Kaidan reached the landing that led to Shepard’s cabin.  A tight feeling of dread settled into his chest.  It increased exponentially when a couple of failed attempts to enter his passcode proved he was effectively locked out. 

“EDI,” he spoke softly into the air. 

“Yes, Major.” The Normandy’s AI sounded uncharacteristically somber this afternoon.  He supposed the news of Thessia’s fall had reached the entire ship by now. 

“Please open the door to the Commanders quarters,” he asked as politely as possible, despite feeling rather ready to claw through the metal with bare hands.  

EDI paused for half a heartbeat. “I’m afraid Commander Shepard has given me explicit orders not to be disturbed by anyone.”

“EDI!  I just need...”  Stopping himself mid-tirade, Kaidan leaned his forehead into the cool metal door and took a deep breath before he took the whole damn day out the hapless AI.  “Please,” he asked quietly this time. “I just want to make sure she’s alright.”

“You didn’t let me finish, Major,” the irritation in EDI’s voice sounded exceptionally human at the moment.  “She told me not to let her be disturbed, but I do not believe this is an order I should follow.”  There was another short pause.  “I think she may need you very much right now.” 

“Thank you, EDI,” he said, just as the light on the door’s lock flashed from red to green.  “I won’t forget this.” 

The disturbing quiet Kaidan had felt on the landing extended well into the cabin. Despite having shared this space with Shepard for the past few weeks, it suddenly felt cold and uninviting.  Swallowing the dread trying to settle into his belly, the Major silently made his way down the short staircase and towards the person always foremost on his mind.   She sat frozen on the edge of their bed, the upper half of her armor haphazardly scattered across the floor.  Her expensive sentry interface: instead of being perched on her deceptively delicate, freckled nose; dangled limply from her long fingers.  Shepard’s light ginger hair was a mess, limply falling in clumps from its usually pristinely severe bun.  There was a bloody scrape across her cheek she’d yet to clean, and some rather dark shadows under her too bright eyes.  Staring intently at the wall, she didn’t seem to notice as her lover knelt before her and laid a gentle palm on her armored knee.   

 “Shepard,” he soothed. “I’m here.  Talk to me.” 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she answered, the lack of emotion in her voice chilling Kaidan to the bone.  “We lost,” she continued.  “People die.  We move on.” 

“It’s okay to take a moment to mourn.” He told her.  “You’re not a machine.  If you try to be one, you’ll break.”

“I’m fine,” she said, the steel in her voice coming back full force.  She brushed his hand away and popped up from the mattress so quickly, Kaidan stumbled a bit.  The rest of her armor was quickly discarded to the floor as she made her way across the cabin.  A moment later he heard the water turn on in their adjoining bathroom. 

Not bothering to knock, he followed her inside.  She’d pulled the hairpins out of her ruined bun and was brutally running a brush through the long ginger locks, periodically wetting the bristles in the steaming water she had pouring from the sink.  “I said I’m fine, Kaidan,” she insisted, gritting her teeth as she used her fingers to rip a partially nasty knot apart. 

The Major pulled the brush out of her hand and set it down more harshly than was strictly necessary.  “Stop this.” He hissed through gritted teeth. 

Shepard grabbed an elastic band off the counter and, ignoring the rest of the knots for now, tied her damp hair back at the nape of her neck.  “The longer we wait,” she retorted, “the more people die.  We’ve already lost enough.  I don’t need to waste more time by sitting here talking about my feelings.”

Kaidan stared at her flushed, angry face through the steam.  “You are not fine,” he insisted. 

“And how the hell would you know!” She all but screamed, her fists balling up as if ready to swing. 

“Because I was there,” he told her, reaching down to gently clasp each of her fists.  “I’ve seen just as many worlds fall as you have. I’ve lost people I love over and over again.  I’ve seen children die in the streets while they cry out for someone to help them and been powerless to do so.  And after the stunt they just pulled, “he added, I hate Cerberus just as much as the reapers.  I want them all to fucking die and I want them do it by hands.”  

Shepard took a deep shuddering breath.  “Join the club, Alenko.” She managed to croak out. “What’s your point?” 

“My point, Commander,” he told her, “is that I am most definitely _not_ fine.” 

Shepard turned to face the sink, obviously pretending to ignore his words.  “I’m okay,” she insisted again, before leaning down to splash hot water across her face.  She grimaced as the dried blood on her cheek loosened, opening the gash enough to let fresh blood spill down to her chin.  

“Here,” Kaidan said gently, moving to grab a bit of gauze off the shelf, “let me help.” 

“Ow!” she flinched as he made contact with the wound. “Just stop helping me!” she cried, her voice breaking. “I’m fine.  I swear to God, I’m okay.  I just need...” 

Kaidan’s own eyes filled with hot tears as the Commander’s words trailed off into a harsh sob.  She bent forward at the waist, one arm tightly wrapped around her middle, the other pressed to her mouth, desperately trying to stifle the sound of her cries.  “I don’t have time to...” she sobbed.  “I can’t...”

He was ready when her knees gave out, gently catching her in his arms and carrying her the short distance to the bed.   Great, heaving sobs escaped her mouth as months of pain and stress came out in one torrential rush.  He curled himself around her, tucking her face into his chest and trying to absorb some of her agony.  She clutched at the front of his uniform, her whole body convulsing with each powerful cry.  “I’m here,” he soothed, at a loss at what else to say.  “I love you.” 

It was some time before Shepard quieted enough for Kaidan to relax. He just laid as still as possible, holding her close and rubbing soothing circles on her back.  Eventually, her breathing eased into such a deep, even rhythm, he was sure she’d fallen asleep.  It was a bit of a shock when she spoke.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Kaidan.” She whispered into his chest. “The whole galaxy is expecting me to save them, but I’m only one person and I’m so damn tired.”

“You _can_ ,” he insisted, not a doubt in his mind.

“What makes you so sure?”   

Kaidan reached down to interlace his fingers with hers. “Because, you have never been just one person.  There isn’t a single crewmember on this ship that doesn’t have your back.  And there’s a hell of a lot more of them out there fighting right along with us.”

Shepard’s lips pulled into a small smile, before she snuggled more tightly into his arms. “Thank you.”

“Anytime and every time,” He said, leaning in to kiss her hair.  

“I can’t keep my eyes open,” she murmured, “but there is so much to do.  I have to call the Asari counselor.”

“Sleep,” he said, smoothing a hand across her tangled hair.  “She’ll still be there when you wake up.” And once more lacing his fingers with hers he added, “And so will I.” 

 


	6. Part 4:  Requiem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fourth Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Requiem - A dirge, hymn, or musical service for the repose of the dead.

Dying slowly really hurt like hell.

The first time Commander Shepard expired, it was a fairly quick process.  Suffocating from a ruptured air tube, with an unexplored planet at your front and a world of regret at your back, wasn’t exactly the most peaceful way to go.  However, it only lasted a few minutes at most, and at least the view had been spectacular.

Shepard drew in another agonized, rasping breath and felt something gurgle in her chest. This wasn’t anything like dying in space.  Instead of boiling inside her armor, she was bleeding out on a frigid, metallic floor.   Instead of empty lungs, burning in their desperation to take in more air, she was drowning in a sea of her own fluid.    It  was actually a blessing to be numb from the waist down, since every bit of exposed skin she could feel was burned, broken, slashed open, or riddled with bits of debris. 

At least she wasn’t scared this time.  After everything she’d been through:  the threat of total extinction, the nights filled with either insomnia, or horrible nightmares; the friends she’d lost; the planets she’d seen burn, and the terrible choices she’d had to make; it was almost a relief for it to be nearly over.  

The world of regret was pretty much gone too.  Shepard had done the best she could with what she’d been given.  She’d held the line, fought a good fight, and while she wasn’t exactly going out swinging, this was certainly close enough.  No, Shepard had no more time for regrets.  Well, she thought sadly, maybe just one.

The Commander had never gone looking for love.  Romance had always been one of those things she’d, “get around to,” someday in a far off future that also included a desk job, a ginger cat, and maybe a kid or two.   She’d had few lovers; even fewer boyfriends, and that had been perfectly alright with her, as that way it didn’t interfere with her career plan. 

But then she’d met a dark haired biotic, with eyes the color of sweet caramel and a voice as smooth and smoky as her favorite whiskey. 

Shepard let out a sharp cry as some of the rubble supporting her back gave way.  The tiny movement vibrated harshly through her battered body, sending waves of pain shooting across every active nerve.  _Oh God_ , she silently prayed to anyone who would listen, _just make the pain stop!_   She was ready to die, if it could just be over. 

If only she could be like Thane and lose herself in a happy memory for a while.  Instead of dying alone in some dark, unknown portion of the citadel, she could spend her last moments wrapped up in cotton sheets and in the arms of her lover.  Kaidan would smile sweetly and kiss her lips.  They’d make love.    Because, despite all the bumps along the way: finding each other in the most forbidden of ways; being separated by death and time and then distrust; Shepard couldn’t regret it.  Those last few months with him finally aboard the Normandy again had been a heavenly oasis in a galaxy gone to Hell.  No, Shepard’s last regret wasn’t in loving Kaidan; it was that she didn’t have more time to do so.     

But Shepard was not a drell and could not lose herself in dreams.  Although, she thought morosely, even if she were, her dreams had not been the most pleasant of places lately.  It was probably better that she stayed locked in reality.  It wouldn’t be long now anyway.  Her strength was waning considerably with each drop of blood that hit the floor and it was getting so much harder to breathe.  The numbness in her legs had moved up to encompass the bottom ridge of her ribs.   Even the battered room seemed to thump in time to her heart’s struggling, halting beat.

Wait!  Shepard was suddenly on alert.  As blurry as her vision had grown, her hearing had become ever sharper.  That wasn’t her heartbeat thumping thorough the rubble.

“I think I found her!”    Large, hulking footsteps, the kind only made by a soldier trooping around in combat boots, rushed towards her.  Shepard forced a tiny smile when the large man slid to his knees at her side.

“Damn, Lola,” he drawled, setting his helmet aside and staring down at her.   “You are one crazy bitch, you know that?”

“Always with the flirting, Vega, “she managed to croak out.  “But I know it’s all talk.”  She hacked a tiny cough, tasted copper on her tongue.  “I’m too much woman for you.”

“Ain’t that the truth?”  He placed a finger behind his ear and spoke into the semi-darkness.  “It’s Vega.  I’ve got the Commander, but she’s hurt bad.”   Shepard coughed again.  “Oh Shit,” he exclaimed as blood and sputum splattered across his knees, “real bad.” 

“Sorry about that,” she said between gasping breaths.  “Guess I’m not exactly at my best right now.”

“Don’t you worry about that, Lola,” he told her, flashing an indulgent smile.  “After what you just pulled off, you have a right to be a little messy.”

“So, we won then?”  She hadn’t heard any gunfire for a while, but that didn’t necessarily mean the war was over. 

“Not a Reaper in the sky!” he crowed.  “Don’t know how the hell you did it, but a lot of folks are going to be using your name as a battle cry from here on out.”

 “I hope not,” she said with a grimace. “I’d like to think there will be peace for a while.  Otherwise, I’m dying for nothing.”

The Lieutenant’s eyes widened.  “Don’t talk like that Lola.  The Major’s gonna be here any second to patch you up.   You’re going to be good as new, and kicking my ass again in no time.”

Shepard couldn’t help the small whimper that left her mouth.  “Kaidan made it?”  Tears burned the back of her eyes at just the thought of him being so near.  He’d been so upset with her when she’d forced him to evac on the Normandy.

“Barely a scratch on him now that the Doc’s got him all patched up,” Vega confirmed.  “He absolutely insisted on being involved in your search and rescue. Half the time I think he’s just as loco as you.”

They both flinched at the screeching sound of metal being heavily pushed aside.  Another set of footsteps, slightly lighter than the Lieutenant’s had been, quickly made their way into the room. 

“Speak of the Devil,” James quipped, as the Major slumped to his knees beside them.  “You got your kit?”

Kaidan took off his helmet and all but threw it aside in his haste to open the bag he was carrying.  Shepard burst into hysterical, blindingly painful tears.   She couldn’t hear the commands he issued to Vega.  She didn’t feel the sting of the medigel syringe, or the burn of the compression bandages they wrapped around her abdomen to try and staunch the bleeding.  One look at Kaidan’s sweaty, grimy, three-day-old-beard covered face and she was falling all to pieces.  He was seriously the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. 

“Don’t cry, Baby,” he crooned, reaching up to smooth some medigel into a gash under her hair.  “We’re going to get you out of here.”   He turned to the Lieutenant.  “She needs a real doctor and she needs one now.  Call for an immediate medical evac.  If they tell you no one is available, tell them we have Shepard.”  

“Copy that.”  Vega stood to do what he was told.  A second later he let out an excited whoop.  “Esteban!  I thought you were gone for good when we saw that reaper take your shuttle down…what are you doing flying an ambulance?…. Listen, we need transport, like yesterday…no, ten minutes is too long, man.  We’ve got Shepard and I don’t know if she has that long…alright, I’ll meet you in five.” 

Vega finished his call and knelt back down to address his commanding officers.  “Cortez is on his way.  I’ve gotta go down a level to meet him at the landing zone.  You alright with her by yourself?” he asked Kaidan. 

“There’s not much more I can do at this point except monitor her vitals,” the Major answered him.  “I’m a sentinel, not a doctor, but even with my level of medical training, I know she needs blood and she needs oxygen.   I don’t have either.  If by some miracle that shuttle’s still fully stocked, bring the backboard and the respirator with you when it gets here.” 

“Yes, sir.”  The lieutenant leaned over to lightly lay a hand against Shepard’s upper arm.  “You hang in there, Lola,” he told her.  “I don’t want anyone else to be my N7 trainer.”

Shepard forced a slight smile through her tears. “It’s been an honor, James,” she managed through gritted teeth.  “I know you’ll make me proud.”  

“Count on it.” He affirmed, before grabbing his helmet and stomping off into the darkness.  She watched him go with a heavy heart, pretty sure she’d just said goodbye.  Her chest convulsed with another broken sob that turned into more violent hacking coughs. 

“I need you to calm down, Shepard,” Kaidan told her urgently.  “You’re having trouble breathing as it is.”

She sputtered a bit more, gagged on the blood coating the back of her throat.  “I thought I was never going to see you again,” she whimpered, more tears dripping from the corners of her eyes.  “I thought I was going to die alone.”

Kaidan gently palmed her face, careful not to put too much pressure on her wounds, before leaning down to touch his forehead to hers.  “I’m here now and you’re not going to die.”  He kissed her bloody lips.    “I’m not going to let you.”  

White hot agony ripped through Shepard’s chest as another coughing fit took her by surprise.  Something near her ribs popped.   Her vision faded to a spotted gray blur. 

“No, no, no, no, no!”  Kaidan’s pleading voice sounded miles away.  Her lungs refused to expand.  Her head listed limply to the side.  “Wake up Commander, that’s an order!”

She felt her upper body forcibly lifted from the floor and propped up at an angle against the Major’s chest.  The edges of her broken bones scraped against flesh already raw from too much trauma, but when she opened her mouth to scream, her lungs miraculously opened. More blood and mucus dripped from her lips to pool on the metal floor.  Her stomach emptied its meager contents in a violent, pinkish rush.

Shepard relaxed back into his arms and took a few more deep gasping breaths, before trying to speak again.  “You’re giving me orders now?” 

Kaidan rubbed his face against her grimy hair and Shepard could feel his whole body shudder.  “When we’re not on your ship, I outrank you,” he breathed.  “Don’t you dare do that to me again.  I swear to God…” his voice broke.

“Sorry,” she whispered.  “I’m not sure if that’s an order I can follow.”

“It is,” he insisted, before gently adjusting her position so she could see his face.

More agony ripped through her when she met his gaze. Tears were pooling in his red rimmed eyes, ready to spill over.   Maybe it would have been better if he’d never come, she thought.  There was nowhere else she’d rather be, but now he was going to have to watch her die.  If their situations were reversed, if Kaidan were the one slipping away in her arms, she didn’t think she’d ever recover. 

“Just stay awake,” he ordered her.  “Stay with me just a little bit longer.  We just have to get you to a ship with a trauma unit.  You’re going to be okay.”

“It’s so selfish,” she told him, “but I’m really glad you’re here.”

“Me too.” He smiled and a tear escaped his lower lid.  It left a streak in the grime before getting lost in the scruff of his beard. 

“You need a shave,” she said, wishing she had the strength to reach up and touch the dark stubble.

“Yeah,” he chuckled.  “Once we get out of here I’m going to need more than that, like a hot meal and an ever hotter shower.  What is it you want most?” he asked, probably trying to keep her engaged in the conversation, keep her with him. 

“I’d like a ginger cat,” she whispered, thinking of that list she’d made so long ago when all she’d had was time,  “and maybe a desk job.” 

Kaidan huffed.  “You’d be bored inside an hour.”

“Maybe,” she agreed, “but I’d really like to have the chance to see.  I’ve had enough of war.”

“You’ve still got a bit of fight left in you,” he insisted.  “Don’t you dare give up on me now.  Tell me what else you want.  Dream for me.”

Shepard debated telling him the third thing on her ancient list.  When she’d added that item it had seemed more like a task to check off, than a true desire.  But now, with tomorrow seeming so impossibly beyond her grasp, she’d give almost anything for it. 

“A baby,” she finally told him, throwing whatever caution she had left to the wind, “with whiskey colored eyes and a dimple on his chin.”

 Kaidan lowered his face again and Shepard could feel moisture dripping into her hair.  “Jesus, Love,” he said brokenly.  “You’re killing me.” 

“I don’t know much about being a mom,” she continued, “and I never really thought a lot about having kids before, but I think you’d make an excellent dad.  You’re too good a man not to be.”

Tears streaming down his face, Kaidan again looked into her eyes.  There was a fire in his gaze that made her heart shudder.  “Don’t you think we should be married first?”

Shepard’s head fell a little heavier against the curve of his arm.  Her eyes fluttered and threatened to close as dizziness began to creep over her again. “Is that a proposal, Major?” 

He flashed her a watery smile. “Marry me Shepard,” he pleaded.  “I’ll give you as many babies as you want.  I’ll buy you that damned orange cat and we’ll live happily ever after.  Just stay awake, okay?”

“Okay,” she breathed, but her closing lids betrayed the lie.  The numbness in her body was creeping up again, reaching about halfway up her chest.  Her breaths grew ever shallower, despite the fairly upright position Kaidan held her in.  “Will you do something for me?” she asked.

“Anything,” he agreed.

“Sing for me?”  She wanted his angelic voice to be the last thing she heard. 

He smiled against her skin.  “Any requests?” 

“Not really,” she whispered.  “Just pick a song that tells me you love me.”

“Alright,” There was a slight pause, as Kaidan took a minute to compose himself.  Shepard felt his shuddering breaths puff across her cheek.  “This one always makes me think of you,” he said, and then his gorgeous baritone began to echo through the broken room.

_“You were my one more chance_  
I never thought I’d find.   
You were the one romance,   
I’ve always known in my mind.   
No one could ever touch me more,   
and I only hope that in return   
I might have saved the best of me for you “

The beautiful, crooning words reached right into her soul.  Shepard tried to smile, but the muscles would no longer obey her command.  She wanted to reassure him, to let Kaidan know that he had only ever given her the best of himself.   Even when it had hurt, even when she wanted him to make different choices, he’d never compromised in his beliefs.   And toward the end, when she was ready to collapse from the weight of the galaxy crushing in on her, it was Kaidan who held her up, kept her standing.  Truth be told, it was just as much him who saved the Galaxy as it was her.  If Shepard was going to live to get any medals pinned to her chest, she’d have given them all to him. 

_“And we’ll have no ending if we can hold on._  
I think I’ve come this far because of you.   
Could be, no other love but ours will do.”

Hot tears dripped onto Shepard’s face from above and mixed with her own, before sliding to the floor. Even so, Kaidan didn’t stop his song.  The sounds were becoming more muffled as her strength waned even further, but she strained to hear the last verse, desperate for just a few more moments with him.

_“No one will ever touch me more_  
and I only hope that in return,   
no matter how much we have to learn,  
that I might have saved the very best of me for you.”

His voice trailed off with the last note and Shepard sighed, grateful to have been loved so very much.  Every muscle in her body went limp as the last dregs of her strength leached away.  Kaidan moved quickly when her head sagged over his arm.  She felt the floor at her back, the rubble once again digging into her flesh, but it no longer hurt. 

“Shepard!”  Kaidan’s voice sounded far away, as if he were screaming through a tunnel.  He tapped her cheeks, but she couldn’t respond.  “Don’t do this, Baby.  Stay with me!”  He let out a great, heaving sob and Shepard felt a stab of regret flare through her cloudy mind.   She wanted to tell him she loved him.  She wanted to wrap her arms around him and never let go, but she was out of time. 

“I can hear the shuttle team,” he cried into her ear and just as he said it she could feel their stomping footsteps vibrating through the floor.   “Just hold on for a few more minutes.  Shepard, I’m ordering you not to die.  Do you hear me?  We’ve made it too far for us to lose it all now.”  His voice trailed off into gasping, incoherent tears.  “Please!”

He gathered her into his arms again, rocking them back and forth as he wept bitterly into her hair.  She felt her battered lungs slowly emptying and didn’t have the strength to fill them up again.  The shuttle team finally raced into the room, shouting and carelessly throwing bits of debris around in their haste.   Shepard’s last thought, as everything faded away and her heart pumped out its final halting beat, was that dying slowly really hurt like hell.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * That is the saddest thing I have ever written. I was literally bawling as I wrote it. I hope it worked for you. I suppose I’m sorry either way.
> 
> * Before you show up on my doorstep with flaming torches and pitchforkes, remember we have more chapters to go.
> 
> * Kaidan sings “Best of Me,” by Michael Buble’ and I suggest you listen to it with caution. This one always makes me weep, especially now that I associate it with the scene you just read. I wish I could have included all of the lyrics of the song in this chapter, as I really think they fit Kaidan to a T, but I didn’t want to overdue i


	7. Outtake 3: Elegy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elegy – An instrumental lament, with praise for the dead.

Kaidan didn’t quite recall how he’d made it into the small, dark office aboard the Destiny Ascension.  He remembered Shepard slowly slipping away in his arms, as they’d sat on the freezing cold floor of what was left of the Citadel.  He remembered her asking him to sing her a love song.  He’d felt her breathe her last breath. 

Events were a little fuzzy after that.  When the medics pulled Shepard’s lifeless body from his arms, he’d kind of lost it a bit.  Hours later he still felt the telltale signs of too much strong emotion; sore throat, screaming headache, gritty eyes.  The last time he’d felt so emotionally raw had been….well, he huffed a bitter laugh.  It was right after the last time she’d died on him. 

Someone must have stripped his armor off, because here he sat in the same dingy set of BDU’s he’d put on….was it really just this morning?  He realized he had no idea what time it was, or how long they’d been fighting that final battle.  It felt like years.  Kaidan scrubbed a palm over his scruffy, dirty face and willed his eyes not tear up once more.

“Is this seat taken, Major?” 

Kaidan looked up; wincing as the light from the open door stabbed his eyes.   Admiral Hackett stood before him, gesturing to the unoccupied space next to him on the sofa.   He tried to get up; willed his body to provide the proper respectful salute, but for some reason his legs refused to cooperate.   “I’m sorry, Sir,” he stammered, “I can’t seem to…”

“At ease, Alenko.” The Admiral’s voice was gentle as he took a seat to the major’s left.  “We’re a little beyond formality at this point in the game.”

“Have you heard…” the words caught in Kaidan’s throat.  He coughed, took a deep breath, and tried again.  “Do you know anything about Shepard?”

The Admiral shook his head.  “She’s still in surgery.  I only arrived a few minutes ago myself.  Some members of my crew are badly injured and needed immediate medical attention.  The Ascension was the closest ship with a large enough trauma team.”

Kaidan nodded. “That’s why we’re here too.”

A particularly awkward pause followed the Major’s matter of fact statement.   It was a relief when Hackett finally got around to the reason he’d tracked Kaidan down in the first place.   “Can you tell me anything about what happened when Shepard was on the Citadel?” He asked, all business now.  “We’ve been trying to piece together the order of events leading up to the crucible’s activation, but from all accounts only Shepard and Anderson actually made it through the transport beam.”

“Can’t Anderson…” Kaidan let the question trail off when he saw the Admiral’s grave expression.   The agonizing drum beat in his temples increased in tempo.  “Oh, I’m sorry.” 

“Thank you,” Hackett accepted gracefully.  “He was a good friend and an even better leader.  He’ll be missed by many. “

“Yes,” Kaidan didn’t know what else to say

“I need to know what happened on that station, Major.”  The Admiral continued.  “We can’t rest on our laurels now that the reapers are seemingly defeated, especially not now that the Mass Relays are out of commission.  Maybe something she knows can get them working again.”

 “As you said sir, she was alone.” Kaidan gritted his teeth until the pain was completely unbearable.   While he’d sat on his ass in the Normandy’s med bay being force fed medigel, the woman he loved had been single handedly saving the galaxy.  “I was injured in the rush to the beam.” He told Hackett. “Shepard ordered me to evac.  Doc patched me up just in time for search and rescue.”

The Admiral nodded.  “Mr. Vega told me he was the one who initially found the Commander, but that you sat with her while he flagged down transport.  Did she tell you anything at all during those few minutes that could help us?”

Kaidan closed his eyes against a wave of grief even more powerful than the migraine currently ripping his brain to shreds.  “She said plenty,” he finally rasped, “but not about anything relevant.”

“Are you sure?”  The Admiral was like a dog with a bone.  “There might have been something small that you missed.  What exactly did she say?”

A mirthless, bitter laugh escaped the Major’s throat.  He wondered if Hackett would want to know about the sweet love song she’d asked him to sing, or the taste of blood on her lips as they’d kissed goodbye.  Would it matter to galactic security that she’d cried real tears of relief upon seeing him alive?  Would one more person be saved by knowing she wanted babies with his eyes?  

Kaidan met the Admiral’s inquisitive gaze, heedless of the tears now streaming down his grimy face, and gruffly answered, “She said she’d marry me.”  

Hackett’s expression gentled.  “I see,” he said softly, laying a heavy hand on Kaidan’s shoulder.  “We suspected of course, Anderson and I.  Your reaction at Shepard’s memorial service a few years ago was hardly subtle.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”  Kaidan was astonished.  “You could have thrown the book at me.”   

The admiral gave his shoulder a light squeeze before letting go.  “She was gone,” he said.  “It seemed an insult to injury to involve either of you in a scandal.  We wanted to keep her memory a heroic one, for as long as that lasted.  And then by the time you two were working together again, we had much bigger things to worry about than fraternization regs, especially between two spectres.”

“Thank you, sir,” Kaidan managed. “These last few weeks together meant a lot to us.  I’ll take whatever punishment you deem is necessary.  And I’ll get back out there to help the relief efforts as soon as…” Kaidan fell heavily to his knees the instant he attempted to stand.  The small office had suddenly turned into one of those spinning carnival rides his parents had taken him to as a child.  “I guess I just need a minute.”

Hackett secured an arm around Kaidan’s shoulders and eased him back up onto the small sofa, proving himself to be much stronger than he looked.  “You need more than a minute there, Major,” he said.  “When’s the last time you slept?”

Kaidan grimaced.  He had absolute no idea. 

“That’s what I thought,” the Admiral shook his head.  “Look, I have to go, but you get some rest.  We all need you in top form if you’re going to be any help to anyone.”

Kaidan opened his mouth to protest, but the older man cut him off. 

“She’s going to need you when she wakes up, Alenko.  Make sure you’re capable of being there for her.”

“Yes sir.” Kaidan raised his arm in a weak salute, seconds before the door clicked shut.

Minutes or hours later, the brush of gentle fingers on his forehead jerked Kaidan from a restless sleep.  He groaned pitifully as the splitting pain behind his eyes became ever more insistent.  The room was too dark and his vision far too blurry to make out just exactly what was going on.

“Just relax, Major,” Karin Chakwas’s soothing voice spoke close to his ear.  “I’m going to give you something for that pesky migraine. You’ll feel better soon.”

He hissed as the syringe pieced his arm.  “Shepard?” He rasped out. 

“Still in surgery,” the doctor told him quietly.  “It’s been about eight hours total now.  But Miranda Lawson’s been in the operating theater with them for the past four which definitely bodes well.”

“What…”  Kaidan took a deep breath and then continued.  “What’s happening?  Tell me details.”

Karin sighed, obviously reluctant.  “She’s going to make it Kaidan,” she insisted.  “They’ve got that lion’s heart of hers beating again and no one is giving up until she’s stable.  I can promise you that.” 

“But…”

“Shhhh,” the doctor interrupted.  “Just go to sleep.  I’ll wake you the minute I know anything more.  I promise.” 

Kaidan wanted to argue some more, but the drugs were already taking affect.  “I need her,” he whispered, as the fog overtook his mind.  The last thing he heard was Karin’s soothing voice.

“We all do.”

*     *     *

The breeze smelled distinctly of pine and wheat, just as she remembered it.  Shepard dug her bare toes into the rich soil under the old hollow log where she sat and gazed off the cliff into the distance. The gorgeous yellow and red sunset behind the purple mountains was just as she remembered it too.

“It certainly is beautiful here, Skipper,” said a bright voice to her left.  “Wish I could have visited it sooner.”

“Nothing was the same after the raid,” Shepard answered her friend.  She gestured towards the valley below them.  It was a lovely patchwork of family farms, interspersed with a combination of wooden farmhouses and prefab structures.  An old fashioned town hall had been built at their center.  She pointed to a large plot of wheat covered land on the far edge of the valley.  It boasted a lovely blue home and a barn large enough for a few horses.   “That was our farm,” she said.  “This is how I remember Mindoir.”

“It’s a good memory,” the young woman answered.

“So are you,” the Commander stated firmly, finally turning to view her companion.  Ashley Williams was both just as Shepard remembered her and completely changed.  She was dressed from head to foot in comfortable looking civilian clothes and her lovely dark hair cascaded freely down her back in waves.  “Are you the welcome committee?”  She asked.

Ash flashed her a mischievous smile. “You could say that.”

Shepard smiled back. “How’d you get stuck with it?  You draw the short straw?”

“Are you kidding?”  Ashley snorted inelegantly. “I won, big time!  There was a line a mile long to greet the “ _Great and powerful Commander Shepard.”_

“Right,” she grimaced at her friend’s mocking tone.  “You know I didn’t choose to be that person?”

“I know,” the former gunnery chief answered her.  “That’s just how things are sometimes _. Be not afraid of greatness,”_ she recited _“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others…”_

“Have greatness thrust upon them,” Shepard finished for her.  “I actually know that one; Shakespeare, right?”

 Ashley smiled brightly. “That’s right, Skipper.  Twelfth Night; act two, scene five. ”

“Anyway,” Shepard changed the subject. “Is this heaven?  I have to say, I’m slightly underwhelmed.”

“Please,” Ashley huffed.  “You _wish_ this was heaven.”

 “Okay,” she acquiesced. “I’ll play along. Where are we then?  Is this even real?  Am I dead? Am I dreaming?”

“That’s a lot of questions all at once,” the younger woman quipped.  “And are you really going to believe anything I tell you anyway?”

Shepard thought for a moment.  She stared down at the grubby blue jeans she hadn’t worn since being a teenager and saw the dirt under her fingernails from weeding the garden with her father.  None of that could possibly exist anymore.  “No,” she finally answered, “I probably wouldn’t.”

“It’s just as well,” her friend sighed, rocking back and forth on the log.  “Most likely you’re not staying anyway.”

“I see.”  Shepard’s heart sank into her stomach.  It made sense that she’d get no final reward.  There was no way she deserved it after all the horrific things she’d done; to the thousands upon thousands of Batarians on Aratoht; to the synthetic races she’d sacrificed to destroy the reapers; to the friends that she’d let die. 

“Oh stop it right now.”  Ashley’s voice was equal parts disgusted and annoyed.  “None of that was your fault, so quit blaming yourself.  The reason you’re not staying here is because you’re not staying dead.  It’s kind of your thing, even if you’ve already coded four times on the operating table today.  And how come you’re suddenly so upset by the idea of not getting into heaven, when you weren’t even convinced it’s real in the first place?”

Shepard crossed her arms petulantly. “I refuse to argue with my subconscious.”

Ashley threw her head back and let out a hearty guffaw.  “Imagine that,” she finally managed to choke out, one arm wrapped around her convulsing stomach, “I just won an argument with Commander Shepard!”

The older woman smirked. “Is this now your favorite spot on the Citadel?” 

“Don’t be silly, Skipper,” Ash managed to choke out between chuckles, “this is _Mindoir_.” 

Shepard couldn’t help but join in the laughter.  Joy spilled out of her until her sides ached and tears sprang to her eyes.  It felt like years since she’d been this free.  Eventually the two woman slumped backwards off the log into the grass, exhausted from their mirth.  The commander stared up at the golden tinged clouds as the blue-green sky grew ever more dim.

“Just for argument’s sake,” she asked her former chief.  “Who else was vying to meet me here?”

“Oh, tons of people,” Ashley answered breathlessly.  “There was this lovely drell who asked very politely.  He wanted to introduce you to his wife.  A very wordy salarian put his name in, but removed it at the last second.  He was having too much fun playing with hoards of baby krogan.  A whole army of geth and one very sweet young woman who used to be synthetic send their regards.  They want you to know they don’t blame you.”

Shepard blinked away hot tears.  “I wish that were true.”

Ashley reached across the soft grass and clasped her friend’s hand.  “I wish you believed it.” 

The fingers surrounding hers felt real enough, Shepard mused.  But then again, most dreams did, at least while you were still asleep. 

“Your family misses you,” Ash continued.  “I almost gave up my spot to your mom, but I was afraid it would make you want to stay too much.”

Hot tears sprang to Shepard’s eyes at the very thought. “What’s wrong with that?” she wanted to know. 

“Besides the fact that you’ve never stayed dead before and there’s no reason to believe you will this time?”

Shepard rolled her eyes.

“There’s just too many people counting on you,” Ash continued.   “One very handsome senior officer in particular had to be physically wrested from your side so they could operate.  I’m fairly certain he’d be devastated if you never went back.”

The commander immediately felt sick with remorse. “I’d miss him too.” 

Ashley rolled over onto her side excitedly.  “I totally called that back on the SR1!”  She pointed at the commander and giggled in delight.  “You two couldn’t stop making cow eyes at each other.   I swear the entire crew deck nearly burst into flames that one time he sang to you during Karaoke.  Joker and I had a bet going on who was going to make the first move.  He still owes me twenty creds!  It completely pisses me off that I can’t collect.”

Shepard winced. “Yeah,” she sighed.  “I’m really sorry about that.”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Ashley assured the Commander.  “You made the right choice.”

“But…” Shepard couldn’t help but feel guilty.

“Shut up, Skipper,” Ash cut her off with a grin.  “Sometimes people, especially those in charge, have to make tough decisions that have crappy consequences.  It doesn’t make you a bad person.  It doesn’t mean you wanted me to die.”

The Commander was grateful for the words, but they didn’t change reality.   She took a deep breath and released it slowly, letting the action calm her nerves as the sky grew even darker.  It wasn’t long before she could barely keep her eyes open.  Her body felt like lead. “Ash?”  She addressed her long lost friend.

“Yes, Shepard?”

“Why am I so tired all of a sudden?”  Ashley’s face swam into view above her.  Shepard blinked a few times, but her vision didn’t clear. 

“That’ll be the drugs,” her friend replied.  “The docs have you pretty doped up.  Otherwise you’d be in a considerable amount of pain right now.  Don’t worry,” she continued when Shepard tried to speak again, “This is a good thing. It means you’re waking up.” 

“But I….Can’t I…”  Wow, the Commander mused, word formation wasn’t really her forte at the moment.

Ash’s laugh was musical.  “You’re a riot when you’re high,” she pointed out, grinning like an idiot.  “I’d laugh even harder if I wasn’t going to miss you so much.  Worst part is, you probably won’t get to remember a great deal about this anyway, if anything at all.   I mean seriously, if you can’t remember the epic shenanigans we got into during those two years Cerberus was playing Frankenstein with your corpse, then I don’t have much hope of you recalling today.”

Well, that was certainly news.  Shepard wanted to ask if she’d made it into heaven that time, but it came out sounding a bit like a hanar with a hangover.  This one’s tongue felt like it was coated in tar.

“Shhh,” Ash laid a finger against the Commander’s lips. “It’s going to be over really soon and you have someone very special waiting for you on the other side.   I need you to concentrate for one more moment though.  Just look at my face, okay?” 

Shepard managed an infinitesimal nod. 

 “I want you to try really hard to remember something for me. It’s very important.  “She leaned down to whisper instructions into her friend’s ear.  “You got that?  Good!”

Oh God!  Shepard was starting to feel the pain now, despite the drugs.  Her lungs could barely expand, every breath feeling like she was inhaling battery acid.  The temptation to sink back into oblivion was overwhelming.

“Goodbye Skipper,” Ashley’s voice was so very far away now.  “And remember, _Death is nothing at all.  I have only slipped away into the next room.”_

_*   *   *_

Kaidan sat hunched over Shepard’s hospital bed, watching in abject fascination as her eyes flittered back and forth behind closed lids.  Six hours after her marathon, lifesaving surgery, she was still as pale as death, covered in bandages, and unresponsive.  Yet those moving eyes, proof that she was dreaming - that she _lived_ \- calmed his aching heart. 

“Hi, Baby,” he said softly.  He wasn’t entirely sure if she could hear him or not, but figured it was worth a shot either way.  Desperate to touch her, he reached for her left hand, the only exposed skin he could find that wasn’t covered in scrapes, burns, or bruises.  “I got that shave you said I needed,” he told her, rubbing her palm against the smooth expanse of his cheek.  “I got a hot shower and a meal too,” he chuckled. “It pays to be a spectre in this place.

“Look,” he continued, blinking back a few unexpected tears.  “I’m not going to get to stay here with you for much longer.  Hackett needs my help planetside and I can’t exactly say no, spectre or not.  Miranda Lawson - she came over to the Ascension just to oversee your surgery - says you can be transferred to an Alliance hospital on Earth as soon as you wake up  They want you somewhere that specializes in human anatomy.

“We can be together then, Love.” He paused to clear the lump starting to form in his throat.  “Hackett knows all about us and doesn’t really seem to care; something about spectres being out of his authority, but I think he’s just a closet romantic.  As soon as you open those gorgeous green eyes of yours, we can go back to Earth.  And as soon as you’re on your feet again, we can start checking things off your wish list.  You still want those brown-eyed babies?  I hope so, because I’d really like to give them to you.” 

“We’ll have to do it right though,” he added, brushing his lips across the backs of her cold fingers.  “I’ll introduce you to my mom.  She’s going to just love you to pieces, you know that?”  He smiled, “she always wanted a daughter.

“And then as soon as I can, I’ll find you a ring…somewhere.” He thought for a moment about the devastated planet below them and huffed mirthlessly.  “We’ll keep it simple,” he added.  “We’ll have Hackett officiate and mom and a few of our friends can witness.  I just want us to start our life together, okay?  How does that sound?”

The whirr and beep of machinery was the only response he got.  A second later Kaidan’s omnitool vibrated sharply, reminding him it was time to take a shuttle to Earth.  “I have to go, Baby,” he told her gruffly, scraping away a few errant tears with the heel of his hand.  “I’ll see you real soon, I promise.” 

Gently laying her hand on the thin blanket, Kaidan turned to go, giving her fingers one last gentle squeeze.  He froze, stunned into stillness, when those delicate fingers lightly squeezed back.   

“Shepard?”  He was back in his seat in an instant, leaning over her still body and searching frantically for any other signs of movement.  “Are you with me?”

Her eyes peaked open, just a tiny slit of green between strawberry-blonde lashes.  She squeezed his hand again. 

“Oh God, Shepard!” Tears streaming down his face, Kaidan let out a watery laugh and kissed her fingers. “I love you so much.” 

She licked her lips and tried to speak, her mouth just barely moving.  Kaidan leaned down as far as he could and put his ear to her lips. 

“Love you,” she whispered.  It sounded like her vocal cords were made of sandpaper, but to Kaidan it was just as lovely as the richest aria.  Another buzz from his omnitool interrupted their tender moment.

“Shit!” he looked around frantically for a second, pulled in too many directions at once.  “I still have to go, but I’ll talk to the nurse on my way out.  They’ll check you out and get you ready to transport.  With any luck I’ll be sleeping on a cot next to you tonight.”

He turned to leave again, but she stopped him, once more tugging lightly on his arm and attempting to speak. 

“What do you need love?” he asked, bending down to listen.  “Are you in pain?”

She shook her head before answering, her voice barely more than a puff of air on his cheek. “Tell Joker, he owes Ash twenty creds.”   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ashley quotes Shakespeare’s play “Twelfth Night,” and the poem “Death is Nothing at All,” by Canon Henry Scott-Holland.


	8. Part 5A: Intermission

The woman in the mirror was so breathtakingly beautiful, Shepard barely recognized her.  Gone were the purple shadows that marred the flesh beneath her eyes for so long.  The stress lines in the corners of her mouth and the faint scar across the bridge of her nose had both been smoothed over as well.  Instead, her entire visage was covered in unblemished, porcelain skin.  A halo of delicate ginger curls bounced playfully against her cheekbones.  Expertly applied powders and liquid liner made her bright, emerald eyes seem even larger than usual.  Her lips were pink and lush and sensual, despite the tiny frown they formed. 

The white satin gown she wore, designed especially for her by an army of enthusiastic volunteers, was by far the loveliest piece of fabric ever to touch her skin.  The strapless, empire waisted confection was simple in form, but featured swirling embroidery on the bust and lower skirt.  Layered ribbons of deep “Alliance Blue” wrapped around the dress, just below her breasts and on the top and bottom hems.  Tiny, satin buttons cascaded from between her shoulder blades, all the way down her back.  They stopped where the embroidery started, the skirt flaring out into a short, elegant train.  As different as night and day from what she’d usually wear into battle, this dress was in itself a kind of armor.  It hid the scars that makeup couldn’t cover.  It was going to show all the waiting guests in the other room, and every single viewer on the extranet, exactly what they expected to see.  She looked young and healthy, the perfect bride to be.

It was really too bad it was all an illusion.

Shepard fingered the long strip of gauzy fabric she held in her hands and angrily blinked back tears.  In less than ten minutes she was supposed to walk down a long, silk flower strewn aisle to pledge her fidelity and devotion to the only man she’d ever loved.  Beyond that, Admiral Hackett had insisted they allow the event to be broadcast live, in an attempt to boost public morale.  Her journey down the aisle was more than just a symbol of love now; it was meant to be a victory walk.  She’d conquered the reapers.  She’d conquered death, over and over again.  This was supposed to be the happiest day of her life.  She’d earned the right to it, and yet, she was in too much pain to even reach up and clip the veil into her hair. 

Limping gingerly, she slowly made her way across the small office-turned-dressing room.  Each step felt like walking on shards of broken glass, but she finally made it to the old fashioned brocade sofa, where she’d earlier stashed a small gray bag.   Inside were four glass vials, two of which were already empty and it wasn’t even noon yet.  Shepard prepared double her usual dose, trying not to think about how quickly the drugs were starting to wear off.  With a sigh, she propped a leg up on top of the cushions and slowly rolled down one silk stocking.                      
  
“You just about ready, Shepard?”  She froze instantly as Garrus Vakarian strode into the little room.  His tall, angular body looked slightly awkward in the rather humanly styled black suit and navy blue bow tie.  “I think the natives are getting a bit restless,” he quipped, only to pause when he finally got a good look at her.  “What the hell are you doing?”

Startled, the Commander hastily draped the long, white skirt back over her bare leg and sat down with a sigh.  “Busted?” she asked, holding up the long, angry looking syringe she’d been about to plunge into her thigh. 

“You could say that,” he agreed, before settling down next to her on the plush sofa.  He plucked the needle out of her unresisting fingers and held it up in front of her face.  The pink liquid inside rolled back and forth as he twiddled it in his talons. “You mind telling me what’s going on?”

Shepard gaped like a teenager caught steeling condoms from her parents’ bedroom.  “Um…” she stuttered, groping desperately for something intelligent to say.  “It’s not what it looks like?”

Garrus’s mandibles flared in agitation.  “It looks like I just found my best friend about ready to shoot some pretty heavy pain killers, just so she can make it down the aisle in a few minutes.”

“Alright,” she acquiesced, having the good sense to look a little sheepish. “Maybe it’s exactly what it looks like.”

“What the hell, Shepard?” He stood to pace to the other side of the small office.   “Have you been doing this for long?  Does Kaidan know?”

“It’s not something you need to worry about,” she insisted frantically, “I have this under control.”

 “Shepard,” the name was drawn out; one long, sour note of disappointment. 

“Fine,” she huffed; crossing her arms beneath her breasts and leaning back heavily against the cushions.  “I’ve needed the injections on and off for the past couple of months, but lately it has been a bit more on than off.  The more I use them, the less they work.  And no,” she added, sitting up to glare at him, “Kaidan doesn’t  know.  I’d like it to stay that way, at least until after the ceremony.”

Garrus’s whole frame slumped a little.  “Spirits, Shepard!  How could you hide this from him?” He placed a three fingered palm to his chest, “from all of us?  There isn’t a single person in that chapel out there that wouldn’t walk through fire for you.  Hell,” he added, moving to kneel before her.  “Some of us have.”   

“I know, Garrus.” Her voice was tight, pain and guilt wreaking havoc on her fragile emotions.  “But you don’t have to do that anymore. I’m fine. I just…”

“You are not fine!”  He clasped her hands tightly, forcing her attention downward.  Shepard flinched when she saw the depth of concern in his icy blue eyes.  “You led us all to believe your treatments were over, that you were healthy again.  Obviously that isn’t the case.  I’m not even going to ask how you hid it from the man you’ve been living with, because something tells me I don’t want to know.  What you are going to tell me is why you’ve been lying and exactly how bad it is?”

Shepard couldn’t look him in the eye anymore; she stared anywhere but.  “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Who do you think you’re talking to, Shepard?  Who is it that’s supported you from the very beginning?  Who has believed you at every turn and who has never turned their back on you?”

“Tali,” she answered petulantly.

Garrus’s mandibles twitched in the turian version of a smirk.  “Well,” he chuckled, “her too, I suppose.  Come on Shepard, you know you can trust me.”

She sighed in defeat and Garrus moved to settle himself next to her once again.  “Do you remember all that time I spent in the hospital?” she asked. 

He nodded grimly, “of course.”

She thought about the past year: finally defeating the reapers; thinking she was going to die alone on that cold concrete floor; Kaidan, miraculously appearing out of the rubble to hold her in what she thought were her final moments.  She’d felt herself die, breathed a final breath as Kaidan screamed her name, only to wake up days later in an alliance hospital ICU.  She’d been there for months as a team of doctors and ex-Cerberus scientists pieced her back together…again.  Half her implants had been completely decimated and needed replacement.  They’d had to amputate, clone, and then reattach her left leg below the knee, one of her kidneys, half a lung, four vertebrae, and part of her spinal column.  Once she’d healed from that, she’d begun the grueling process of learning how to walk again.  

“Everyone was so much more patient with me, than I was,” she told her friend.  “Kaidan especially was beyond amazing.  As one of the highest ranking officers still able to stand upright, the Alliance had him working almost constantly and he still found the time to visit me every day.”

“I remember,” Garrus assured her. “He kept bringing you gifts.”

“Oh, I know!” she exclaimed.  “I couldn’t believe it.  Just having him there was more than enough, but it was like he couldn’t bear to show up empty handed.  He brought me a terry cloth robe one time, and a datapad filled with old adventure stories.  If he couldn’t find anything salvageable during his recovery work, he’d save me a piece of fruit from his rations.  Once he even picked me a bouquet of dandelions!”  She smiled fondly and chuckled; remembering the adorable, sheepish look on his face as he’d presented them to her.”   Kaidan actually kept apologizing for that last one, because the fluffy, yellow flowers are essentially considered weeds, but they might as well have been roses.  I was just glad _something_ was still growing out there.”

“Didn’t he also get you that wall climbing, little beast?”  Garrus’s usually flat nose wrinkled in disgust.

Shepard wrapped an arm around her belly and laughed in earnest. She remembered the day Kaidan arrived at the hospital, covered in dust and holding a small, mewling box.  She’d just woken up from a pretty invasive surgery and was feeling particularly unpleasant.  One look at the tiny, tabby kitten inside however, and Shepard had fallen instantly in love.  Garrus’s reaction upon first meeting her new pet hadn’t been quite as positive.

“You never did like D.J.” she pointed out, “although it wasn’t for lack of trying on her part.”  

Garrus shuddered. “The fuzzy terror was obsessed with digging her needle-like claws into my plates.  If she wasn’t climbing up my tunic like rachni worker, the little stealth bomber was jumping on me from a bookcase or something.  You humans should have employed the damn things as your secret weapon against the reapers.  War would have been over that much sooner.”

“Garrus Vakarian,” Shepard drawled, “afraid of a widdle putty tat.”

“Keep laughing, Shepard,” he told her. “Next time you visit Palaven, I’ll introduce you to what we consider pets.”

“Bring it,” she challenged. “DJ and I can take whatever you dish out.”

“I’m sure,” he agreed. “The little fuzz ball is terrifying.  I still can’t believe you convinced the hospital staff to let her stay.  And what kind of a name is ‘Dee Jay,’ anyway?”

She smiled. “D.J. stands for ‘Desk Job.’”

Garrus cocked his head to the side a little. “I’m still confused here, Shepard.”

“It’s kind of an inside joke,” she continued.  “While I was dying on board the Citadel, Kaidan promised me anything I wanted as long as I stayed with him.  Two of the things I asked for were a ginger cat and a desk job.  We just decided to kill two birds with one stone, especially since I wasn’t going to be working anywhere for the foreseeable future.  Plus, Kaidan claims she’s the only desk job I’ll ever actually enjoy so…”  She let the thought trail off.

“That man loves you to pieces,” Garrus said gruffly. 

“I know,” she agreed, letting him see the regret in her eyes.  “That’s exactly my point.  I was broken in so many ways.  I had sixteen surgeries and then I had to learn how to walk again.  They had to sedate me every night for months, or I couldn’t sleep, because every time I closed my eyes the dead came back to haunt me. I was in pain. I was impatient. I was rude.  Some days I was downright mean to him, because I couldn’t deal with my reality and he was convenient to take it out on.”  She felt tears burning at her eyes, but blinked them away.  “Kaidan never once complained, at least not to me.  There’s probably some poor ensign somewhere who has never met Jack and thinks their Major is the true ‘Psycotic Biotic.  “Her face softened, her lips turned up in a tiny smile.  “But he was always an angel to me, Garrus, even on my worst days.”

Her friend chuckled. “Knowing Kaidan, his ire was probably vented into demolishing some toppled rubble somewhere, rather than on that poor ensign.  I got an occasional earful as well.”

“Wow,” she sighed, pushing two fingers into the ridge of her forehead. “That’s not embarrassing at all.”

“It shouldn’t be,” he insisted.  “That’s what love is all about, Shepard. When someone you care about needs you, you do whatever it takes.”

“I know,” she told him.  “That’s how far Kaidan went for me when I needed him. It’s how far all of you have gone.  I’ve been trying to do the same.”

“By hiding your pain?”  Garrus’s expression was incredulous.  “Shepard, how you could possibly think that was a good idea, that it would benefit anyone?”

“It was supposed to benefit _everyone_ ,” she countered.  “Everything was going so well.  I was finally out of the hospital and sharing temporary officers’ housing with Kaidan.  Hackett insisted we turn what was supposed to be a simple wedding, into a bit of a public statement, but we had lots of help to plan it, so that was okay too.  What’s left of the Council started sending me a bit of administration work, researching potential Spectres and such, to slowly work my way back towards active duty.  I’d even finally managed to get Kaidan to stop handling me like glass in the bedroom…”

Garrus flinched. “That’s enough detail right there, Shepard.”

“Oh, whatever,” she rolled her eyes.  “My point is that everything was finally looking up.”

“What changed?”

Shepard let out a long sigh. “A few months ago, I started dropping things.  A datapad would slip out of my fingers without my permission, or I’d lose my grip on a glass of water and have it shatter all over the floor.  It was happening regularly enough to be disconcerting, and that was before I started tripping over perfectly level ground.  Over the following week I grew progressively clumsier.  I finally called the doctor when the pain started.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked urgently.  “What causes something like that?”

“My implants are malfunctioning,” she told him, a tiny edge working its way into her voice. “Every single one that wasn’t replaced last year is shorting out from some scientific explanation well beyond my pay grade.  I’m slowly losing function in every system they control.  The first things affected were muscle control, motor function, and nerve receptors.  I’m weak, clumsy, and in pain, but it isn’t life threatening.”  She sighed, “at least for now.”  

“Shepard,” Her name came out as a hiss of pain. He turned to face her, the palm of one clawed hand reaching up to gently clasp her chin.  “Tell me this is fixable.”  His icy blue gaze bored into hers.  “Tell me we didn’t defeat the reapers only to lose you to a bit of piss poor Cerberus tech.”

“It’s fixable,” she assured him, pushing his hand away, “but not without another set of invasive surgeries.”

“Oh,” he drawled, and Shepard could swear she saw the gears in his head clicking into place.  “I see.”

“I tried to tell him,” she whispered, and the tears she’d been fighting all morning finally escaped to slide down her cheeks.  “But when Kaidan got home that night he was too excited for me to get a word in.  He’d found our wedding rings, you see.  Mine is this unbelievably gorgeous thing; tension set, platinum, with the diamond flush against the metal so it won’t catch on anything.  They were perfect, and he was so damn happy.  How could I tell him, Garrus?”  She choked on a sob.  “How could I look the man I love in the eye and tell him that, despite standing by my side while I recovered for over a year, instead of getting to marry me, he was going to have to do it all over again?”

“So, your brilliant plan was to hide your condition until it killed you?”  Garrus’s tone was incredulous.

“No,” she cried.  “I just wanted to buy some time.  The drugs were supposed to help with that, but they’re not working as well as they used to.  I thought we could get through the wedding, maybe the honeymoon.  We’re supposed to go to his mother’s orchard for a week.  It’s so beautiful there, Garrus,” she told him, “still green and bright.  From the front porch you can’t tell the reapers ever existed at all.  We’ve lost so much time we can’t get back and I just wanted…”  She paused, trying to get her emotions under control, but failing miserably.  Deep, gasping breaths tore through her chest as the tears continued to fall.

Garrus handed her a tissue and she took it gratefully.  “When did I become such a fucking girl?” she bellowed.  “I used to never cry and now I can’t seem to stop!” 

“Alright,” He held up the syringe. “Be straight with me.  This doesn’t hurt you?  You’re not abusing it?” 

She shook her head.  It was mostly true, and what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. Garrus handed her the needle and she lifted her dress to plunge it into her thigh without delay.   She signed in relief as the burning sensation in her limbs finally began to subside.

“Now,” he said, calm authority creeping into his voice.  “Here’s what we’re going to do.”  She gasped as he slid his arms around her and plucked her from the couch.  A moment later she was deposited into a straight backed chair, directly in front of the ornate, full length mirror she’d been gazing into earlier.  “You’ve just been out of commission a little too long.  You need to remember who you are,” he told her.  “What do you see?”

Apart from a pair of slightly swollen, red-rimmed eyes, Shepard’s appearance hadn’t changed.  Her hair was still arranged in an immaculate mess of ginger curls on top of her head.  Her waterproof makeup hadn’t run.  There wasn’t a single speck of dust on the elegant white dress.  “I look like a princess,” she admitted, not sure if that was something to be proud of or not.

“Exactly,” Garrus agreed.  “What the fuck is that about?”  He disappeared into the adjoining washroom for a moment, only to return to her side with a small cloth and a bottle of makeup remover. 

“What are you going to do with that?” she asked, slightly concerned.  His answer was to swipe the damp cloth across the bridge of her nose.  The faint scar, one of many souvenirs from Harbiner’s attack, instantly came into view. “You’re undoing hours of handiwork,” she warned him.

“Good,” he replied curtly, before squeezing a bit more solution onto the cloth.  More and more scars were revealed as Garrus rubbed the makeup from her skin.  First it was tiny nick on her chin, then the burn at her temple, and the long thin line below her collar bone.  There were a few more on her arms and back as well.  “Now, who do you see?”

“A slightly more ragged princess?”  He glared at her. “Alright,” she acquiesced, “I see Commander Shepard.”

“I’m sorry,” he teased, feigning poor hearing. “Who are you again?”

She smiled widely.  “I am Commander, Fucking, Shepard.”

“That’s right,” he agreed, shifting to kneel before her.  Reaching into his pocket, Garrus pulled out a small, golden star on a dark blue ribbon.  Shepard felt her eyes well up once more as she recognized the medal Hackett had pinned to her hospital gown, just days after she’d woken up.  The Medal of Honor had been the highest military decoration for hundreds of years before being replaced with the Star of Terra.  This particular one had belonged to Hackett’s great-grandfather and he’d had the Alliance reinstate it just so it could be presented to her.

“ _Don’t really have the resources to invent you a new award_ ,” he’d told her.  “ _So we thought this was the next best thing._ ” 

Garrus pinned the little star to the front of her dress, attaching it to the blue ribbons circling just below her bust. “Commander Shepard is the bravest person I know,” he told her.  “She never gives up.  When things get tough, she gets tougher.  Those scars are more a badge of honor than this medal will ever be, and you wear them both as beautifully as you do this ridiculously fancy dress.

Shepard snorted a laugh and reached out to trace the scars that marred Garrus’s own face.  “I think you’re a little biased,” she told him, “but thank you.  You’ve always had my six.”

 “Always will,” he affirmed.  “Now,” he jumped to his feet and reached down to help her to hers.  “We are going to go out there and you are going marry the most infuriatingly noble man I’ve ever met.  After the ceremony, you are going to tell him everything, because Commander Shepard never runs from a fight.”

“Alright,” She agreed, before leaning over to grab the gauzy veil she’d laid aside earlier.  Securing it to her hair with a tiny comb, Shepard then turned to take her friend’s arm.  “Let’s do this thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Garrus’s part in this chapter was intended to be brief, and only really function as a way to help me fill in the plot gap between her death on the Citadel at the end of ME3 and her wedding over a year later. Garrus must have had a different idea in mind, because before I knew it I had 3,000 words.
> 
> *If you are wondering where Kaidan found fine jewelery on a post-reaper Earth, I just figure that either they were salvaged from the wreckage and as a high ranking officer Kaidan had first pick, or that he purchased them from a rural area that hadn’t been as hard hit. Jewelery would be hard to come by though, which is one reason Shep doesn’t have an engagement ring.


	9. Part 5B: Prelude

A troop of rabid pyjaks had apparently taken up residence in Shepard’s gut.  They rolled aggressively inside her, scratching and clawing in their desperation to escape. Add in being slightly high from the double dose of painkillers she injected just moments earlier, and the slight weakness in her arms and legs from too many of her implants starting to fail, and Shepard was just a little unsteady on her feet.  She was extremely grateful for the strong arm Garrus kept around her back as they stood in the entry hall. 

A peek through the crack between the large wooden doors revealed how absolutely packed with guests the small chapel had become.  Three vid cams hovered in wait for the ceremony to begin; two in each back corner, and one just above the podium.   The organist was playing something simple and traditional.   Shepard wiped her sweaty palms down her long, white, satin skirt, and tried to calm her breathing.  She didn’t see Kaidan in there yet, but it wouldn’t be long now.

“Well, don’t you just look like something a fairytale threw up?” 

The Commander looked up and smiled as the heavily tattooed, biotic slid into view.  “What?” Shepard drawled, feigning offense, “you don’t like my dress?”

“Shit,” her friend answered, rolling her eyes. “Your Eagle Scout in there is going to jism his pants the second he gets a good look at you.”

“Well, thanks.”  Coming from Jack, that was high praise indeed.  “I see you’ve also dressed up for the occasion.  I’m honored.” 

Jack smirked.  Her version of formal-wear was a black leather miniskirt, metal studded belt, ankle boots, and a miniscule tube top that barely covered her breasts.   “Liara and Tali said Birdbrain here,” she gestured towards Garrus, “fucked up your makeup.  I’m here for damage control.”

Garrus huffed, apparently feeling the need to defend himself.  “I was proving a point.”

“Point proven,” Jack retorted. “You know nothing about human makeup.”  She zipped open a tiny silver purse and pulled out a few supplies.   “Shit, Shepard, I’m surprised you don’t have blue lines streaked all over your face.”

“Fight nice, kids,” the Commander quipped, standing as still as possible as the other woman reapplied a bit of eye shadow and lipstick to her otherwise unadorned face. “Garrus just thought I should look a bit more like me, scars and all.”

“Now that, we agree on.” Jack swiped a line of eyeliner across each of Shepard’s lids. “The scars are fucking awesome.  You could use some ink though.  How about a _f_ _leur-de-lis_ on your ass; in honor of your boy scout?”    

Shepard chuckled.  “I’ll consider it.  And how do you know so much about the scouts anyway?” She asked.  “You got some hidden depths we haven’t dug into yet?”

“I screwed one a couple of times,” the younger woman replied.  “He wanted to be seduced by the dark side and I wanted to try something a little bit sweet.  He was delicious,” she admitted with a sigh, licking her upper lip for emphasis, “but ultimately gave me a toothache.  And I‘m pretty sure I scared the hell out of him.”  She held out a tube of mascara.  “Look up.”

Shepard dutifully inspected the imperfections in the ceiling.   “You kick Vega to the curb yet?  Last I heard, he was picking out curtains.” 

An adorable, completely uncharacteristic, blush spread across the biotic’s cheeks.  “He hasn’t fucked it up yet,” she finally replied, her usually sarcastic tone just a little bit lacking.  “So, I’m letting him play housewife for a while.  He looks hot in an apron…and nothing else.”

Garrus let out a low groan and shook his head.  “Thanks for painting that picture for us, Jack.”

A bark of uncontainable laughter escaped the Commander’s mouth.  She winced, sucking in a deep breath when the movement upset her already sour stomach.

“You’re all done now, Shepard,” Jack announced.  She zipped the cosmetics back into the little bag and glanced down the entry hall.  “I guess I’ll go back in there with the rest of your adoring fans and wait for the show to start. You look beautiful and shit.”  She turned to go back the way she came, but Shepard stopped her with a hand on her arm.

“Let yourself be happy, Jack.” she told her with a soft smile. “You deserve it; you both do.”

The young woman’s blush deepened considerably, but she still managed a retort.  “Same goes for you, Commander.  If I don’t have at least two of your kids in my class sometime in the next fifteen years, I’m going to kick both your asses.”    

 Shepard’s grin grew considerably wider. “Noted.  And if you see my wayward bridesmaids floating around anywhere, please send them back to me.”

“Sure thing, Shepard.” Jack made her way down the hall once again.  She turned at the last second and added, “I think Liara said something about needing to take a piss,” before quickly rounding the corner and moving out of sight.

“Gotta love Jack,” Garrus drawled from beside her. “She’s as charming as ever.”

Shepard laughed. “I find it comforting that some things don’t change.  Seriously though, where did Tali and Liara go?  This thing is supposed to start in like…” she glanced at a terminal across the hall,”…Oh god, half a minute.” 

As if on cue, the organ in the other room started playing the designated processional march.  Suddenly the air in the room felt thin again. One of the rabid pyjacks in Shepard’s gut abandoned its brethren and started to squeeze its way up her throat.  She swayed a little against her friend’s arm.

 “Don’t you dare get sick on that dress, Shepard,” he warned her.  “As fluffy and ridiculous as it is, its creation was quite literally an act of parliament.”

The Commander was saved from having to reply when her two closest female friends finally came rushing back into the hall, dragging a very small Krogan.  The women’s matching satin pumps clicked on the tiles in a rapid, staccato beat; contrasting strangely with little Urdnot Mordin’s barefoot prancing.

“We’re here; we’re here!”  Liara panted, the flush on her cheeks almost coloring her as dark as the girls’ navy blue dresses.  “We’re so sorry!”

Tali let go of Mordin’s hand and let her race around the entry hall.  Her tiny, clawed feet scraped on the tiled floor, vaguely reminding Shepard of an excited puppy let out of its cage. 

The young quarian huffed an exasperated sigh and leaned her head against Garrus’s free shoulder.  “Remind me to scratch ‘baby krogan,’ off the list of viable species to adopt.”

 Her lover chuckled and nuzzled his face into her hair.   “How are you feeling?” he asked, concern coloring his rough voice.  “Is the breather mask enough, or do you need me to go get your suit?”

“So far, so good,” Tali assured him, her breath leaving a little fog on the transparent seal around her mouth and nose. “The inhalable antibiotics are pretty powerful and my immune system is so much stronger now. I should be just fine through the ceremony and reception.”

“I trust you,” he assured her.  “Just do me a favor and let me know if you feel even the slightest bit ill.”

“I promise, Garrus,” she told him, reaching up with bare fingers to trace one of the blue lines on his face, “but I’m sure I’ll be fine, and we need to get Shepard here down the aisle.”

“We would have been back sooner,” Liara added, “but Kaidan’s mother cornered us just after we found Jack.”

Shepard felt spike of pure panic.  “What did she want?  Is everything okay?  Kaidan…” 

“Is fine,” her friends assured her simultaneously.  

Liara pulled a large cloth bag down from her shoulder and reached inside.  “She just wanted you to have these.” 

Tears filled the Commander’s eyes once again and she had to rapidly blink them away.  Kaidan and she had decided to forgo having natural flowers at the wedding, since they were so very hard to come by these days.  That being said, the large bouquet of pink and white blossoms Liara placed in her arms wasn’t only gorgeous, it was absolutely priceless. 

“They came from her orchard,” Tali told her.  “She said every bride deserves flowers on her wedding day.  She also might have let it slip that Kaidan talked you into this date for a reason.  He knew there was a good chance the apple trees would be in bloom.”

“That’s just,” Shepard couldn’t find the words, “I can’t even…”

“Thank them later,” Liara instructed, handing Tali one of two smaller bouquets, before rushing over to corral the prancing toddler. The asari placed a circle of blossoms on Mordin’s smooth, plateless head and all but dragged her back to the tiny group.   “We have to go. I think this is the second time that poor organist is playing your wedding march.”

“Oh, poor her,” Shepard deadpanned.   

Tali finished pinning a single white bloom to Garrus’s lapel, before scooting over to the double doors.  “Here we go,” she squealed. 

Garrus’s arm tightened around Shepard’s waist and she felt herself being gently, but firmly, hauled towards the chapel.  The ancient doors swung open with a nerve shattering creak and then all she could see were a million disorienting camera flashes.  A moment later, the lights died away, only to be replaced with just as many prying eyes.  There were rows and rows of guests, standing on either side of the aisle, obviously waiting for her to move.  Shepard could barely breathe.

“Don’t worry about them,” Garrus murmured into her ear.  “Just look straight ahead.”

Time stood still when Shepard finally did as she was told.  There, at the end of the long aisle; wearing perfectly pristine Alliance Navy dress blues and a smile meant only for her, was Kaidan.   The hoards of guests disappeared.  The weakness in her limbs faded away and she practically floated down the aisle.  When at last Garrus placed her palm in her fiance’s and moved to stand at his side, everything was suddenly alright in the world.

Kaidan reverently traced a calloused finger over the little scar on her nose.  “There are no words,” he rasped, caramel colored eyes glistening with emotion.  “You just look so beautiful.” 

The smile that split Shepard’s face was resplendent.  She smoothed a hand up the front of his jacket and fingered the gleaming Star of Terra pinned to his chest.  “You don’t look too bad yourself, soldier.”

The minister cleared his throat and began his opening statements, starling the bride and groom out of their isolated bubble.  Shepard took a moment to glance around the room, taking in the simple decorations and the plethora of guests crammed like sardines into the small chapel. 

One side of the audience was a sea of navy blue, which was startlingly reminiscent of her funeral she’d watched on vid so very long ago.  Today however, wasn’t about death; it was about living life to the fullest. Everyone she cared about, her family she realized, filled the first few pews on either side of the chapel.   Mrs. Alenko and Doctor Karin Chakwas sat dabbing handkerchiefs to their red eyes, while sandwiched between a stoic Admiral Hackett and smiling Greg Adams. Gabby Donnelly reclined in her husband’s arms, while Ken absently stroked his palm over her softly rounded belly.   The Taylors had made it; Jacob sat next to his wife, little Shep bouncing happily on his father’s knee.  Kasumi was between Miranda and Samara, futilely trying to engage them each in conversation. Shepard had to stifle a laugh when she saw Feron and Javik next to each other in the third row; arms crossed, wearing identical scowls, and refusing to look at one another.   Wrex and Bakara were on the far left, closest to the side doors.  Their brood of children, minus one prancing flower girl, squirmed and moaned in their attempts to escape.  One particularly brave little krogan hung precariously off his Uncle Grunt’s back.

There was a lot of hand holding too, the Commander noted; Samantha Traynor and Diana Allers, James and Jack, Steve Cortez and the handsome young doctor he’d brought as his date.  Joker was in their ranks as well; his fingers intertwined with those of his newly rebuilt love.  EDI smiled knowingly up at her Commander; resurrection was something they had in common now. 

Shepard jumped when the minister laid a hand on her shoulder, bringing her attention back to him.  Kaidan smirked at her, obviously aware that she’d zoned out for a second, before starting to recite his vows.  They were simple and traditional, and she laughed gleefully at her groom when he tripped over her first name.  When it was her turn to promise to love him forever, her voice never faltered.

The rings were next.  Garrus produced them, seemingly out of nowhere, and placed one in each of their palms.  Shepard felt herself getting misty eyed again, when Kaidan slid the lovely, tension set diamond onto her finger. “As this ring has no end, “he recited, “neither will my love for you.”

Shepard copied his words as she slipped the matching platinum band onto his finger.  A moment later, they were each given a small taper, with which to light a single, larger candle.  Kaidan’s mother got up from her seat in the audience and sang a beautiful song about love and commitment.  As her flawless contralto voice filled the small space, it was obvious from whom her son inherited his considerable musical talent.

When the song ended, the minster finally announced them husband and wife.  Their makeshift family stood and erupted into enthusiastic cheers, as Kaidan leaned down to touch his lips to hers.  She could tell he meant the kiss to be chaste, but Shepard was having none of that.  It felt like weeks instead of hours since she’d been in his arms, and she threw herself into him, pouring out her love in one desperate act. 

Pulling back breathlessly, Kaidan palmed her cheek. “God, I love you so much,” He said, his own heart in his eyes. He wrapped her up in his arms, rocked them side to side, “my wife.”

Shepard could only smile, the lump her throat having returned with a vengeance.  She linked her arm with his, letting him lead her back down the aisle.   The path was slowed with a million congratulatory handshakes and slaps on the back.  The commotion was disorienting, and Shepard felt dizziness creeping up on her again.  It suddenly occurred to her that she’d skipped breakfast, and most of dinner the night before. 

“Shepard!” She grit her teeth, stifling a grunt and almost falling to her knees, as the large reptilian hand thumped down on her shoulder.  Pain radiated through her weakened body. “Congratulations, sister!” Urdnot Wrex, bellowed enthusiastically.  “I’d offer to damage your mate if he ever betrays you, but I know you can handle that yourself.”  He turned towards Kaidan.  “You get her breeding yet?  You’ve got a long way to go if you want to catch up to me, Major.” The krogan leader laughed heartily at his own joke and jostled the tiny baby in his arms.  Kaidan’s bronze skin turned a bit pink.

“Is this the new one?” Shepard asked, reaching towards the tiny bundle.   Wrex relinquished the baby to her without hesitation. “What does this make, like six already?  You should give Bakara a rest.”     

“Naw,” Wrex dismissed the suggestion. “Krogan woman were made for this.  Nothing makes her happier than holding another healthy baby in her arms.”

Shepard snuggled the little leathery face into the crook of her neck; breathed in that precious baby smell; and surprisingly, couldn’t quite disagree.  Little Mordin came rushing into view, twirling in her navy blue dress until she reached her father.  She let out a loud, whining cry when she saw Shepard cuddling her little brother. 

“My Shep!” she declared, and then moved too quickly for anyone to stop her.

A flash of intense pain made Shepard’s vision go white and her knees buckle beneath her, when the top of Mordin’s head crashed directly into her hip.   She felt the baby plucked from her arms, felt the floor rushing up to meet her.  Kaidan screamed her name; the crowd gasped in shock, and then Shepard’s world went completely dark. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The words, “As this ring has no end, neither will my love for you,” actually came from my own wedding. My husband and I each said it as we exchanged rings.


	10. Part 5C: Ballad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fifth time he sang to her.

Yeah, Shepard thought, opening her eyes and scanning her surroundings.  Hospitals were definitely not her favorite place to wake up.  The experience brought back too many unpleasant memories.   

She groaned as she assessed the situation.  Her wedding gown was nowhere to be seen, replaced by the standard issued hospital gown that fit absolutely no one.  There was an IV in her hand, a nasal cannula across her face, and a fog in her brain that suggested a cocktail of pretty impressive drugs.  A head of dark hair rested on the side of the small bed.  Shepard gingerly lifted her hand to caress the silky curls. 

“Hey,” her husband jerked up and grabbed her hand, kissing it once before continuing. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I just got run over by a Krogan,” she replied with a half smile. “It’s kind of embarrassing that it was a tiny one.”

His expression grew grim.  “About that, Shepard…”

Dread exploded like a nuke in her belly and she turned her gaze away from him in shame.  “You know.” It wasn’t a question.  The doctors would have explained her condition to him upon her arrival.  With his technical background, Kaidan probably understood her failing implants better than she did at this point. 

“How could you not tell me you were ill?”  His voice was a harsh symphony of pain and disappointment.  “We’re supposed to be in this together, Shepard.  We’re supposed to be partners.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Did you think I couldn’t handle it?”  She cringed as his voice grew louder, more rough.  “Didn’t you trust me to look after you?  ‘In sickness and in health’ aren’t just words to me.”

Shepard scrambled for something to say to make this better, pretty much drew a blank. “I trust you; of course I do. It’s just…I thought….”

“What?”  Actual anger colored Kaidan’s voice now. He paced to the other side of the room, faced the wall.  “What did you think, Shepard?  What can you possibly say that will make me feel better about the fact that you’ve been _lying_ to me for months?”

“I did it for you,” she cried, finally finding her voice.

“For me?”  He turned back to face her, flared blue for a second before pausing to regain control.  “That’s bullshit Shepard, and you know it!”

 She bit her lip, sucked in a ragged breath.  “I was going to tell you; I swear. I just wanted to wait a bit.  You’ve been so patient with me and I wanted you to have the wedding you deserve.  I didn’t want to cancel on you again.  Life is so short and…”

“Is that what you think?” he interrupted, incredulity written all over his face.  “You think that life is _short_?”  

Shepard stared at him in awe as the anger leached from his features.  He slumped back onto the chair at her side, his shoulders hunched, defeated. He grabbed her hand again, rubbed it against his cheek. 

“Do you have any idea,” he said slowly, “how many times I’ve lost you?”

Her own eyes burned. She felt moisture on her fingertips.  “I have a fair idea.”

“I feel like every time you leave me behind, I lose you again.  You ordered me from your side on the Normandy, and then I spent two years thinking you were dead.  In the final battle against the reapers, you physically forced me back onto the ship, and then hours later you fucking died in my arms while I begged you not to go.  You died again,” he said, pausing when his voice cracked a bit at the end,  “four more times on the operating table, while I had to sit on my hands in the waiting room for hours and pray that I hadn’t just held you for the last time.”

He slid forward in his seat, scraped his fingers through his curly hair.  “I know exactly how long life is Shepard, because without you it is interminable.  I can’t go through that again; I can’t.  You need to stop pushing me away.”

Tears poured down Shepard’s face as she listened to her husband bare his heart to her.  “I’m so sorry,” she whimpered. “I never meant to hurt you like that.  I swear.”

“I know,” he admitted, “but today you collapsed in my arms again, and then I found out you’ve been keeping this huge secret from me, and it was like…shit.”  He swallowed a sob, rubbed the heel of his palms against his eyes.  “I just need you to promise me we’re in this together, forever.  Promise you won’t leave me behind again.”

“Come here.”  She opened her arms, gestured for him to climb up onto the bed. God, she needed to hold him so badly.

He hesitated. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Trust goes both ways, Major,” she countered.  “I promise to keep you included, but you need to believe me when I tell you something.  I’m fine.  Come here.” 

Kaidan acquiesced, climbing gingerly onto the small hospital bed and curling into her side. She pillowed his head on her chest and combed her fingers through his hair. 

“We’re going to get through this,” he assured her.  “You’re going to get the surgeries you need and come out so much stronger on the other side.  And I’m going to stick with you the whole way.”

Shepard sighed, rubbed her cheek on his hair.  “I just wish you didn’t have to.  I want to stand on my own two feet. I’m tired of being such a burden. “

“Hey,” he sat up quickly, looked directly into her eyes.  “You will never be a burden to me, you hear?  Every day I spend with you is a gift, regardless of what we’re doing.  Of anyone in this galaxy, I am in a unique position to truly understand that.”  He brushed his lips across the scar on her nose.”   I _want_ to help you, Shepard.  Nothing is more important.”

“I really am sorry.” She said again, feeling like a corrupted audio file. “I honestly was going to tell you everything right after the wedding.”

“I’m sorry too,” he admitted, settling back down onto her chest.  “I shouldn’t have yelled.”

 She flashed him an understanding smile. “I get why you did,” she said.  “In your situation I’m sure I would have behaved much worse.”

“Oh, you think?”  He quipped.  Shepard smirked; sarcasm was not Kaidan’s strong point.

 “We’re going to miss a hell of party,” she groaned.  “No dinner, no fancy cake, no watching all our friends get completely smashed…”

Kaidan smiled against her skin. “I bet Hackett’s a fun drunk.”

She laughed wholeheartedly, jostling Kaidan around in her mirth. “I’d pay good money to see that,” she said.

“So would pretty much everyone,” he agreed.  “We could have made a killing.”

Shepard sighed. “Speaking of killing it, we’re not going to get our first dance.”

“My toes are eternally grateful,” he said, earning a light slap on the shoulder. 

“I am not that bad!”  She complained.  “I don’t understand why everyone thinks my dancing is so horrible.”

“Have you seen yourself?”  He asked, barely containing a chuckle.

Her lips turned down in a partially feigned pout. “Shut up.” 

“All right, all right,” he laughed.  “I promised to help you through everything, so help you I will.  Are you in any pain?”

“Just my pride,” she told him, petulantly.  “I passed out, _live_ on the extranet, for billions of people to see, and now my husband is perpetuating the harsh lie that I have no rhythm.” 

Kaidan flashed her a patient smile. “Be serious for a second, Love.”

“No,” she said.  “Whatever drugs they’ve pumped through me have turned my muscles into jelly, but it doesn’t actually hurt.”

“Excellent.”  He glanced at the monitor above her head, before gently reaching behind her ears to unhook the nasal cannula and set it aside.  “You’re oxygen levels are fine, you don’t need that anymore.”  Enthusiastically popping up from the small bed, Kaidan slid over to the cupboard and pulled down a spare hospital gown. “Put this on like a robe,” he called, tossing her the material.  She sat up slowly to obey, as he pulled her IV bag down from its pole and looped it around his wrist.

Gently clasping her knees, her husband rotated her legs to hang off the side of the bed. “Can you stand?”   

Shepard eyed the tiled floor dubiously. “Probably not.”

“Okay,” he tapped his chin.  “That’s not a problem.”

“What are you trying to do?” She asked, incredulously.  “Are we making a break for it?  We could probably catch the second half of our reception if we leave now.”

“Not a chance, Shepard.”  He countered. “You’re here until the doctors say otherwise.  I can, however, give you something else.”  He wrapped an arm around her back, securing it firmly under her arms.  “Scoot forward off the bed,” he instructed.  “I won’t let you fall; trust me.”

Shepard looked into his caramel colored eyes and saw so much love staring back at her she could barely believe it.  “Okay,” she said, sliding into his arms, “I trust you.”

He caught her effortlessly, letting her feet rest lightly on his, but supporting most of her weight.  “There you go,” he praised, wrapping one of her arms around his neck.  “That’s perfect.”

“For what, exactly?” she asked, feeling giddy with anticipation.

He smiled at her, clasped her free hand in his and kissed her fingertips. “Our dance,” he said, before twirling her around in a graceful arc. 

Shepard squealed with glee as he danced her around the room, letting his feet move hers in a practiced rhythm.  “One, two, three…one, two, three…” he chanted, pulling her into a traditional waltz.  She rested her head on his shoulder, thought that nothing in the universe could possibly make this perfect moment any better…and then, he began to sing.

 _“If I caught the world in a bottle_  
And everything was still beneath the moon  
Without your love would it shine for me?  
If I was smart as Aristotle  
And understood the rings around the moon  
What would it all matter if you loved me?”

Shepard felt more tears well up in her eyes as Kaidan’s flawless baritone filled the room.  She hadn’t heard him sing since that horrible day on the citadel when she’d slipped away in his arms.  Here she was again; being held by the man she loved, as he sung to her of his unwavering devotion.  Only this time, instead of sorrow, her heart was filled with joy.   

 _“Here in your arms where the world is impossibly still_  
With a million dreams to fulfill  
And a matter of moments until the dancing ends  
Here in your arms when everything seems to be clear  
Not a solitary thing would I fear  
Except when this moment comes near the dancing’s end  
  
“Oh, if I caught the world in an hourglass  
Saddled up the moon and we would ride  
Until the stars grew dim  
Until the time stands still, Until…”

Kaidan let the song trail off and slowed their movements to a gentle sway.  “You are everything to me,” he said gruffly.  “I would have married you in a back office at Alliance headquarters with Hackett officiating and his assistant as a witness.  Just being with you, in any way I can, is what matters the most.  Don’t ever doubt it.”

“Never,” she agreed.  “Like you said, we’re in this together.”

He smiled, “until the end of time?”

“Longer,” she promised, reaching up to brush her lips against his.  A knock on the door a second later interrupted their tender moment. 

Kaidan boosted Shepard back up onto the hospital bed, right before a tall, middle aged man strode into the room. 

Alright,” the doctor began, a vein of boredom coloring his even voice.  “We have a few things to go over before you two can get out of here and do whatever it is that newlyweds do, and I can get back to patients who actually need my expertise.”

“Excuse me?” Kaidan took a step forward and crossed his arms in front of his chest, obviously challenging the doctor’s attitude.  Shepard grabbed her husband’s wrist and gestured for him to sit down.  She could handle the physician being a bit of an ass, as long as they got to leave soon.

Throwing a brief glare of annoyance their way, the doctor activated his omnitool and continued his explanation.   “You suffered from a loss of consciousness.  It’s actually a fairly common occurrence.  If the body experiences a shock, either physically or psychologically, changes in the nervous and circulatory systems cause a temporary drop in the amount of blood reaching the brain.  Not enough blood to brain, and it shuts down temporarily until the deficiency is resolved.”

Shepard grimaced.  “Are you telling me I _fainted_?”

The man smirked at her. “Can you come up with a more accurate term?”

Kaidan cleared his throat, cutting the tension between his wife and her doctor a bit.  “She was out for more than a few minutes.  Can you explain that?  And is it going to happen again?”

“Of course I can explain it,” He drawled, powering down his omnitool and clasping his hands behind his back.  His lips spread into a sarcastic smile. “It’s apparently my job to state the obvious.  The initial loss of consciousness was triggered by the sudden shock of pain you witnessed, but her vitals were low enough to perpetuate that state. Your wife shouldn’t lose consciousness again, because she’s not going to be stupid enough to forget to eat, abuse her pain medication, overdue herself physically, and then neglect to call her doctor when things aren’t going quite right.” He turned a pointed glare at the commander, “is she?”

Shepard fumed; she hadn’t been dressed down so thoroughly since basic training. “I was told I had months before my implants degraded enough to get me to this point, which is why I decided to delay getting them replaced.”

“Things change, Mrs….” He glanced at his omnitool again, “Alenko.”

“Shepard-Alenko,” she corrected, patience growing fairly thin. “And it’s Commander.”

“Excellent, _Commander_ ,” he emphasized the word.  “Then you should be intelligent enough to understand what I’m about to tell you.  Your fainting spell was caused by the same thing that’s making your pain meds wear off at an alarming rate.  It’s also the same reason we need to postpone your surgery for a good long while. You,” he paused for emphasis, “are growing biotic nodules; a lot of them actually.  And as a result your metabolism has increased three times its previous rate. ”

Shepard felt sick, immediately understanding the implications.  _Oh shit,_ she thought.

Kaidan didn’t catch on quite as quickly. “What the hell are you talking about?” her husband railed at the doctor.  “That’s not possible.  Even with all the eezo in our atmosphere since the reaper war, the only time anyone can develop biotic abilities is during adolescence, or in utero…” He paused, his face growing suddenly quite pale.

“…and the penny drops,” the doctor quipped, pulling a small plastic vial out of his pocket.   He shook it a few times, emphasizing the tiny object rattling around inside, before handing it off to Shepard.  “You do know these birth control implants expire, right?”  Shepard could only gape at him.  “Yours failed approximately six and half weeks ago, congratulations.”    

The Commander’s hand immediately dropped to her still flat abdomen.  Despite the piss-poor timing, she couldn’t help feeling a bit of excited joy bubble up inside. Her lips split into a soft, cautious grin, “a baby?”   

“Ignoring her question, the doctor continued.  “I’m uploading your new prescription to your omnitool,” he stated.  “Your previous medication wasn’t harmful to take during pregnancy, but this new one is better.  It’s safe, and formulated to your new metabolic rate.  It should help with both the pain and weakness.  Adhere to the instructions exactly, eat as much high caloric food as you possibly can, follow up with your regular OBGYN, and we shouldn’t need to see you back in this hospital until you deliver.  You can schedule your implant replacement surgeries to begin approximately six weeks post-partum. You’ll have to check with your specialist, but you should be able to stagger them to minimize the disruption to your life.”

“Thank you, doctor,” she breathed, immediately forgiving him for being a complete jerk.”

He leaned down closer to her face and lowered his voice. “Take care of yourself, Commander” he told her, and Shepard was shocked to hear how concerned he suddenly sounded. “Nothing gets my ire up more than carelessness.  We lost too many good people in that godforsaken war.  Don’t make us lose any more, okay?”

She nodded and returned his pleasant smile, before turning to address her husband.  “Kaidan,” she nearly squealed, “can you believe it?  We’re going to….Kaidan?”

The Major looked so pale he was actually gray.  Shepard reached for him, only to miss by inches as his eyes rolled back and his whole body slumped limply to the floor. “Kaidan!”

The doctor let out a long-suffering sigh. “He’s fine,” he told her, running his omnitool across her husband’s unconscious form.  “As I said, it’s a fairly common occurrence.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Kaidan sings “Until,” by Sting. It is 3/4 time, so it is perfect for a waltz. I also thought the lyrics fit this lovely couple perfectly.
> 
> * Ballad is a musical term derived from the late Latin verb 'ballare', meaning to dance. It eventually came to be used primarily to describe a folk-song of narrative character or a song or poem written in imitation of such a folk-song. source: http://www.naxos.com/education/glossary.asp#


End file.
